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The picture diagram illustrates the seven most important production processes in the making of honey by bees.

The picture diagram illustrates the seven most important production processes in the making of honey by bees. Ol67N
The picture diagram illustrates the seven most important production processes in the making of honey by bees. The process begins with the honey bees constructing a hive, then finishes when the honey is ready to be collected and applied. At the first stage, the honey bees build and stay in a natural container called ‘Hive’, where there is also a space for filling a sweet liquid. Then, bees leave their hive in order to seek for Nectar, where they can collect from flowers, and fly back to their hive to fill those liquid inside of the cells. Therefore, the honey production process can begin if they finish containing their nectar to the hive cells. After that, the nectar must be cooled down. In order to do this, the bees use their wings to fan the nectar-filled cell. As a result, the water evaporates from the hive cells, and finally the honey is produced and ready for collecting.
The picture diagram illustrates the seven most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
production processes in the making of honey by bees. The process
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begins
with the honey bees constructing a hive, then finishes when the honey is ready to
be collected
and applied.

At the
first
stage, the honey bees build and stay in a natural container called ‘Hive’, where there is
also
a space for filling a sweet liquid. Then, bees
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their hive in order to seek for Nectar, where they can collect from flowers, and
fly
back to their hive to fill those liquid
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "inside".
inside of
the cells.

Therefore
, the honey production process can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
if they finish containing their nectar to the hive cells. After that, the nectar
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be cooled
down. In order to do this, the bees
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their wings to fan the nectar-filled cell.
As a result
, the water evaporates from the hive cells, and
finally
the honey
is produced
and ready for collecting.
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IELTS academic The picture diagram illustrates the seven most important production processes in the making of honey by bees.

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
157 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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