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The graphs below show the percentage of male ans and female students of different age groups who studied in Australia for full time and part time education in 2006.summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make relevant comparison.

The graphs below show the percentage of male ans and female students of different age groups who studied in Australia for full time and part time education in 2006. DYokm
As the information regarding the proportion of both sexes studied in Australia for full-time and part-time education during a period of 2006 belonging to different age groups is given by the bar graph. The data is given in percentage. After analysing the bar graph, it can be seen clearly that the percentage of men who show interest in full time education was 40, while for part time is only 12% among 20-24 age group. Moreover, the difference of 2% was noticeable in the ratio of both type of education ranging between 25 -29 as well as who are over 30. whilist, less than 4% adults were doing part time job. Moving further, the ratio of women in 20-24 years old was 42 and 13 for part time and full time education respectively. However, the percentum was witnessed identical in older age. Whereas, approximately 24% of females were interested in education collectively. Overall, it is evident that maximum number of both genders are opt for part time and full time education in same age group.
As the information regarding the proportion of both sexes studied in Australia for full-time and part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
during a period of 2006 belonging to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
groups is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
by the bar graph. The data is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
in percentage. After
Possible spelling mistake. 'analysing' is British English.
analysing
the bar graph, it can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
clearly
that the percentage of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
interest in full
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
was 40, while for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
12% among 20-24
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age
group.
Moreover
, the difference of 2% was noticeable in the ratio of both type of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
ranging between 25 -29
Probable usage error. Use "and" after 'both'.
as well as
who are over 30.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
whilist
, less than 4% adults were doing
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part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
job. Moving
further
, the ratio of women in 20-24 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
was 42 and 13 for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and full
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
respectively
.
However
, the
Possible spelling mistake found.
percentum
was witnessed
identical in older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
.
“Whereas” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Whereas
, approximately 24% of females
were interested
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
collectively
.
Overall
, it is evident that maximum number of both genders are
Consider using a past participle here: "opted".
opt
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and full
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
in same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
group.
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IELTS academic The graphs below show the percentage of male ans and female students of different age groups who studied in Australia for full time and part time education in 2006.

Academic
  American English
1 paragraphs
174 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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