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THE GRAPH ON THE RIGHT SHOWS THE AVERAGE ALCOHOL CONSUMPTION OF CHILDREN IN ENGLAND, AGE 11-15, WHO DRANK IN THE LAST WEEK 1990-2004.

THE GRAPH ON THE RIGHT SHOWS THE AVERAGE ALCOHOL CONSUMPTION OF CHILDREN IN ENGLAND, AGE 11-15, WHO DRANK IN THE LAST WEEK 1990-2004. Mq3g9
THE LINE GRAPH ILLUSTRATES THE INFORMATION ABOUT HOW MUCH PERCENTAGE OF BOYS AND GIRLS DRANK THE ALCOHOL IN ENGLAND OVER A PERIOD OF 14 YEARS. OVERALL, IT IS MANIFEST FROM THE LINE GRAPH THAT THE CONSUMPTION OF BOYS DRANK THE ALCOHOL WAS THE HIGHEST, WHEREAS THE CONSUMPTION OF GIRLS DRANK THE ALCOHOL WAS THE LOWEST THROUGHOUT THE GIVEN PERIOD. INITIATING AT 5. 8% IN 1990 AND INCREASE TO 7% IN 1992, THE NUMBER OF BOYS DRANK THE ALCOHOL SLOWLY DECREASE BY 6% IN 1994. ALTHOUGH ONLY 5% IN 1990 AND SAME VALUE IN 1992, THE NUMERAL OF GIRLS DRANK THE ALCOHOL SLIGHTLY RISE TO 5. 5% IN 1994. AFTER 4 YEARS IN 1998, THE PROPORTION OF BOYS DRANK THE ALCOHOL IMMENSELY GROW TO 11. 5% WHILE GIRLS QUANTITY OF DRANK THE ALCOHOL ELEVATION BY 8%. HOWEVER, 2ND LAST YEAR IS 2002. THE PERCENTAGE OF GIRLS DRANK THE ALCOHOL IN ENGLAND EXTENSION OF 10% LIKEWISE, BOYS VALUE ARE NOT CHANGE. THE VALUE OF BOYS DRANK THE ALCOHOL IS 11. 5%. LAST YEAR IN 2004, THE DIGIT OF BOYS AGE 11-15 DRANK THE ALCOHOL IN THE LAST WEEK SLIGHTLY DECLINE TO 11. 2%. MOREOVER, THE AVERAGE OF GIRLS DRANK THE ALCOHOL IN THE LAST WEEK IS SLOWLY EXTENSION. SO THAT THE RATIO OF GIRLS DRANK THE ALCOHOL IS 10. 5%.
THE LINE GRAPH ILLUSTRATES THE INFORMATION ABOUT HOW MUCH PERCENTAGE OF
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BOYS
AND
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GIRLS
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DRANK
THE
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ALCOHOL
IN ENGLAND OVER A PERIOD OF 14 YEARS.
OVERALL
, IT IS MANIFEST FROM THE LINE GRAPH THAT THE CONSUMPTION OF
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BOYS
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DRANK
THE
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ALCOHOL
WAS THE HIGHEST, WHEREAS THE CONSUMPTION OF
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GIRLS
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DRANK
THE
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ALCOHOL
WAS THE LOWEST THROUGHOUT THE
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GIVEN
PERIOD. INITIATING AT 5. 8% IN 1990 AND INCREASE TO 7% IN 1992, THE NUMBER OF
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BOYS
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DRANK
THE
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ALCOHOL
SLOWLY
DECREASE BY 6% IN 1994. ALTHOUGH
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ONLY
5% IN 1990 AND SAME VALUE IN 1992, THE NUMERAL OF
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GIRLS
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DRANK
THE
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ALCOHOL
SLIGHTLY
RISE TO 5. 5% IN 1994. AFTER 4 YEARS IN 1998, THE PROPORTION OF
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BOYS
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
DRANK
THE
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ALCOHOL
IMMENSELY
GROW TO 11. 5% WHILE
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GIRLS
QUANTITY OF
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DRANK
THE
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ALCOHOL
ELEVATION BY 8%.
HOWEVER
, 2ND LAST
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YEAR
IS 2002. THE PERCENTAGE OF
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GIRLS
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DRANK
THE
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ALCOHOL
IN ENGLAND EXTENSION OF 10%
LIKEWISE
,
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BOYS
VALUE ARE NOT
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CHANGE
. THE VALUE OF
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BOYS
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DRANK
THE
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ALCOHOL
IS 11. 5%. LAST
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YEAR
IN 2004, THE DIGIT OF
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BOYS
AGE 11-15
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DRANK
THE
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ALCOHOL
IN THE LAST WEEK
SLIGHTLY
DECLINE TO 11. 2%.
MOREOVER
, THE AVERAGE OF
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GIRLS
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DRANK
THE
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ALCOHOL
IN THE LAST WEEK IS
SLOWLY
EXTENSION.
“SO THAT” at the beginning of a sentence requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
SO THAT
THE RATIO OF
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GIRLS
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DRANK
THE
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ALCOHOL
IS 10. 5%.
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IELTS academic THE GRAPH ON THE RIGHT SHOWS THE AVERAGE ALCOHOL CONSUMPTION OF CHILDREN IN ENGLAND, AGE 11-15, WHO DRANK IN THE LAST WEEK 1990-2004.

Academic
  American English
1 paragraphs
218 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
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Lexical Resource: 6.0
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Grammatical Range: 6.0
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Task Achievement: 6.5
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