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The graph below shows the contribution of three sectors-agriculture, manufacturing, and business and financial services-to the UK economy in the twentieth century.

The graph illustrates the contribution of three sectors-agriculture, manufacturing, and business and financial services – to the UK economy over the 100 years from 1900 to 2000. Overall, what stands out from the graph is that there were business and finance in the UK economy increased during this period, while agriculture and manufacturing decreased. At the beginning of the period, manufacture and agriculture where more than business but in the last period Business were much more than others. Units are measured in percentage. First of all, if we look at Business and Finance was 5% in 1900, but then increased 10% in 1975, furthermore, then it was also increased by 35% until 2000. One interesting point is agriculture, it was increased by 50% until 1950, however, following that time in 1975 it fell sharply decreased by 10%. As well as go down by 5% in 2000. If we look at the percentage of Manufacture in 1900, it was 45%, moreover, then it has decreased by 40% in 1950, following this time it was also declined by 15 percent by the year 2000
The graph illustrates the contribution of three sectors-agriculture, manufacturing, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
and financial services
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
–
to the UK economy over the 100 years from 1900 to 2000.

Overall
, what stands out from the graph is that there were
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
and finance in the UK economy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increased
during this period, while agriculture and manufacturing decreased. At the beginning of the period, manufacture and agriculture where more than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in the last period
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Business
were much more than others. Units
are measured
in percentage.

Often, this adverbial phrase is redundant. Consider using “first”.
First of all
, if we look at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Business
and Finance was 5% in 1900,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
then
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increased
10% in 1975,
furthermore
, then it was
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increased
by 35% until 2000.

One interesting point is agriculture, it was
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increased
by 50% until 1950,
however
, following that time in 1975 it fell
sharply
decreased by 10%.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
well as go down by 5% in 2000.

If we look at the percentage of Manufacture in 1900, it was 45%,
moreover
, then it has decreased by 40% in 1950, following this time it was
also
declined by 15 percent by the year 2000
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IELTS academic The graph below shows the contribution of three sectors-agriculture, manufacturing, and business and financial services-to the UK economy in the twentieth century.

Academic
  American English
5 paragraphs
181 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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