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The graph below shows the average monthly temperature in three well known cities. Athense Barcelona and Sydney

The graph below shows the average monthly temperature in three well known cities. Athense Barcelona and Sydney Q2j7y
The given line graph manifests the approximate temperature ratio in three urban areas between January and December. Overall, the highest temperature was noted in July at Athense whereas the least degree temperature was accounted to Barcelona in January in December. To embark with, the majority of temperature noted at Sydney in January which was accounted to about 27 degree Celsius, but it was drastically e fall down to under minority in July which was approximately 14 degree Celsius. However it shoot up significantly to nearly 27 degree celsius in zeninth point in December. Moving further, Athens and Barcelona showed a similar pattern. In January a minority of temperature in both cities but it swelled to nearly 30 degree Celsius in Athens and about 29 degree celsius in Barcelona respectively. Whereas a steep reduction to about 7 degree Celsius occurred in December in both cities. A mammoth difference noted in Sydney.
The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
line graph manifests the approximate
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temperature
ratio in three urban areas between January and December.
Overall
, the highest
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temperature
was noted
in July at
Possible spelling mistake found.
Athense
whereas the least
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
degree
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
temperature
was accounted
to Barcelona in January in December. To embark with, the majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
temperature
noted at Sydney in January which
was accounted
to about 27
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degree
Celsius,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it was
drastically
e fall down to under minority in July which was approximately 14
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degree
Celsius.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
it
Did you mean "shoots"?
shoot
up
significantly
to
nearly
27
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degree
Possible spelling mistake found.
celsius
in
Possible spelling mistake found.
zeninth
point in December. Moving
further
, Athens and Barcelona
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
a similar pattern. In January a minority of
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temperature
in both cities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it swelled to
nearly
30
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
degree
Celsius in Athens and about 29
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
degree
Possible spelling mistake found.
celsius
in Barcelona
respectively
.
“Whereas” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Whereas
a steep reduction to about 7
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
degree
Celsius occurred in December in both cities. A mammoth difference noted in Sydney.
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IELTS academic The graph below shows the average monthly temperature in three well known cities. Athense Barcelona and Sydney

Academic
  American English
1 paragraphs
150 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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