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The data illustrate the web shopping sales for trade region in new Zealand in 2003 and 2013

The data illustrate the web shopping sales for trade region in new Zealand in 2003 and 2013 Eq3wM
The data illustrate the web shopping sales for travel, films, book and clothes in new Zealand in 2003 and 2013. Over the whole time period, in 2003 the highest sales are in travel sector and lowest sales was in book sector but trend changed in 2013 and the highest sales are for film and music sector and lowest sales is for clothes sector. Firstly, the travel sector was highest saleing region in 2003 with 36%but in 2013 region of travel sees downward trend in sales with 29%. next there is film and music sector in 2003 with 21% sales and in 2013 sales in this sector sees upward trend and became highest saleing region in 2013 with 33%. Thirdly, the book sector with 19% was lowest saleing sector in 2003 and saw its sales figure grow in 2013 with 22%. lastly, the clothes sector which show reduce in sales from 24% to 16% in 2003 to 2013.
The data illustrate the web shopping
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sales
for
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travel
, films, book and clothes in
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
new Zealand
in 2003 and 2013. Over the whole time period, in 2003 the highest
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sales
are in
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travel
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sector
and lowest
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sales
was in book
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sector
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but
trend
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
in 2013 and the highest
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sales
are for film and music
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sector
and lowest
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sales
is for clothes
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sector
.
Firstly
, the
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travel
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
was highest
Possible spelling mistake found.
saleing
region in 2003 with 36%
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but
in 2013 region of
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travel
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sees
downward trend in
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sales
with 29%.
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next
there is film and music
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sector
in 2003 with 21%
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sales
and in 2013
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sales
in this
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sector
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sees
upward trend and became highest
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saleing
region in 2013 with 33%.
Thirdly
, the book
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sector
with 19% was lowest
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saleing
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sector
in 2003 and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
its
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sales
figure grow in 2013 with 22%.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
lastly
, the clothes
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sector
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
in
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sales
from 24% to 16% in 2003 to 2013.
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IELTS academic The data illustrate the web shopping sales for trade region in new Zealand in 2003 and 2013

Academic
  American English
1 paragraphs
157 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
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Lexical Resource: 5.0
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Grammatical Range: 6.0
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Task Achievement: 5.0
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    Present relevant ideas
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