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The bar graphs depict the percentage of people purchasing music albums of three genres based on criteria such as gender and age in the UK.

The bar graphs depict the percentage of people purchasing music albums of three genres based on criteria such as gender and age in the UK. p1qX9
The bar graphs depict the percentage of people purchasing music albums of three genres based on criteria such as gender and age in the UK. Overall, by having a meticulous review it can be deduced that portion of males buying albums was more than females in all categories and the age of people who purchased rock and pop music was similar whereas classical music albums were preferred by elder people. At first glance, it is evident that more man obtained rock and pop music their share being slightly less than 30% whilst women was roughly around 20%. Coming to age of peple who bought them were analogous for both genres albeit, a negligible difference can be seen in age categories of 25 to 34 and 45 above. On the other hand, however, classical albums were poorest in sales consequently at 9% of males and 7% of females purchased them. In addition, 16 to 24 year and 35 to 44 found this type of music less enjoyable thus both were lower than 5%. People whose age was more than 45 were more eager to get classical pieces of music therefore that category stood at 20%. Followed by 25 to 34 year old adults barely exceeding 15%.
The bar graphs depict the percentage of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
purchasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
albums
of three genres based on criteria such as gender and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
in the UK.
Overall
, by having a meticulous review it can
be deduced
that portion of males buying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
albums
was more than females in all categories and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchased
rock and pop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
was similar whereas classical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
albums
were preferred
by elder
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

At
first
glance, it is evident that more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
obtained rock and pop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
their share being
slightly
less than 30% whilst women was roughly around 20%. Coming to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of
Possible spelling mistake found.
peple
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bought
them were analogous for both genres albeit, a negligible difference can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
categories of 25 to 34 and 45 above.

On the other hand
,
however
, classical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
albums
were poorest in sales
consequently
at 9% of males and 7% of females
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchased
them.
In addition
, 16 to 24 year and 35 to 44 found this type of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
less enjoyable
thus
both were lower than 5%.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
whose
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
was more than 45 were more eager to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
classical pieces of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
therefore
that category stood at 20%. Followed by 25 to 34 year
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
adults
barely
exceeding 15%.
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IELTS academic The bar graphs depict the percentage of people purchasing music albums of three genres based on criteria such as gender and age in the UK.

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
205 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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