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The bar graph illustrates the proportions of Australian men and women doing regular physical activity in 2012, which are divided into different groups in term of age.

The bar graph illustrates the proportions of Australian men and women doing regular physical activity in 2012, which are divided into different groups in term of age. Males aged 15 to 24 were most prone to do regular exercise throughout their whole lives, while females reached the peak of 53. 3%, even higher than men (52. 8%), during the age between 45 and 54. With age, the proportion of men who did regular exercise decreases steadily from 52. 8% to 39. 5%, then slightly climbs to 46. 7% at the over-65 age. In contrast to males whose chart is demonstrated as a reversed “U” shape, the percentage of women during the age between 15 to 54 see a stable increase from 47. 7% to 53. 3%, and almost maintains the same level in the 55-64 age group at 53%. For individuals over 65, the percentage of different sexes almost remain the same, with proportion of 46. 7% and 47. 1 respectively. Overall, during 2010 Australian females did more regular physical activity on average than men to keep healthy, because among the six different groups, only the 15-24 age group of women shows less proportion than men.
The bar graph illustrates the proportions of Australian
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men
and women doing
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regular
physical activity in 2012, which
are divided
into
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different
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groups
Did you mean the commonly used phrase “in terms of”?
in term of
age.

Males aged 15 to 24 were most prone to do
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regular
exercise throughout their whole
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lives
, while females reached the peak of 53. 3%, even higher than
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men
(52. 8%), during the
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age
between 45 and 54. With
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age
, the
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proportion
of
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men
who did
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regular
exercise decreases
steadily
from 52. 8% to 39. 5%, then
slightly
climbs to 46. 7% at the over-65 age.

In contrast
to males whose chart
is demonstrated
as a reversed “U” shape, the percentage of women during the
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age
After “between”, use “and”, not “to”.
between 15 to 54
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
a stable increase from 47. 7% to 53. 3%, and almost maintains the same level in the 55-64
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age
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group
at 53%. For individuals over 65, the percentage of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
sexes almost remain the same, with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
proportion
of 46. 7% and 47. 1
respectively
.

Overall
, during 2010 Australian females did more
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regular
physical activity on average than
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men
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
healthy,
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because
among the six
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different
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groups
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the 15-24
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
of women
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
proportion
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
.
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IELTS academic The bar graph illustrates the proportions of Australian men and women doing regular physical activity in 2012, which are divided into different groups in term of age.

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
196 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
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  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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