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The bar graph illustrates the percentage of men and women taking part in different sports activities.

The bar graph illustrates the percentage of men and women taking part in different sports activities. 6KJMx
The bar chart we see on this picture was designed by UK Department for Culture, Media and Sport to find a ratio (соотношение) of women to men in different kinds of sport activities. Overall, it can be clearly seen that competitive sport activities attract most males. Women prefer so called "mind&body" activities like yoga which targeted traditionally at women. But the participation of health and fitness looks nearly the same. A vast majority of males involved in football and golf (presented respectively for 90, 8% and 86%). At the same time only a tiny percentage of female respondents (9, 2% for football and 14% for golf respectively) expressed the interest in these competitive sport participation. I suppose the reason is the difference between our nature. The middle band of this bar chart included individual fitness: cycling (place to place and for recreation), hiking and running. We see that in cycling place to place and for recreation the figure (показатель) in males' participation is almost the same: 68, 9% of males in cycling place to place and 68, 3% in recreation. The decreasing a bit compared to the previous rate: more than half percentage of males (almost 70%) takes part in these kinds of sport and for recreation. What about women's interest in cycling the bar chart demonstrates that only one third of women are involved in it. Almost the same situation is with hiking and running: a vast majority of hikers and runners are men (two-thirds of men against one-third of women). But if we look at the two last rates "Aerobics\dance" and "Yoga" we will notice that the proportion of female members increased significantly: roughly a three quarters of aerobic and dance classes participants are women. Yoga attracts any more girls - just under 90%. I’d like to conclude by saying that, first, both genders are involved in sport activities; second, attracting in a particular sport depends on its kind: it’s competitive or not or it’s more about health and mind or how much your effort it needs (I mean, running, for example, takes much more pains than yoga and, I suppose, most women will prefer doing yoga in the morning).
The bar chart we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
on this picture
was designed
by UK Department for Culture, Media and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Sport
to find a ratio (
Possible spelling mistake found.
соотношение
) of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
activities.

Overall
, it can be
clearly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that competitive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
activities attract most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Women
prefer
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
called
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
Possible spelling mistake found.
mind&body
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
activities like yoga which targeted
traditionally
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
the participation of health and fitness looks
nearly
the same.

A vast majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
involved in football and golf (presented
respectively
for 90, 8% and 86%). At the same time
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a tiny percentage of female respondents (9, 2% for football and 14% for golf
respectively
) expressed the interest in these competitive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
participation. I suppose the reason is the difference between our nature.

The middle band of this bar chart included individual fitness:
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cycling
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
(place
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
place
and for recreation), hiking and running. We
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cycling
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
place
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
place
and for recreation the figure (
Possible spelling mistake found.
показатель
) in males' participation is almost the same: 68, 9% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cycling
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
place
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
place
and 68, 3% in recreation.

The decreasing a bit compared to the previous rate: more than half percentage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
(almost 70%)
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
takes part
in these kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
and for recreation. What about women's interest in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cycling
the bar chart demonstrates that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
one third of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are involved
in it. Almost the same situation is with hiking and running: a vast majority of hikers and runners are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
(two-thirds of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
against one-third of women).

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
if we look at the two last rates
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
Aerobics\dance
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
and
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
Yoga
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
we will notice that the proportion of female members increased
significantly
: roughly a three quarters of aerobic and dance classes participants are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
. Yoga attracts any more girls
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
under 90%.

I’d like
to conclude
by saying that,
first
, both genders
are involved
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
activities; second, attracting in a particular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
depends on its kind: it’s competitive or not or it’s more about health and mind or how much your effort it needs (I mean, running,
for example
, takes much more pains than yoga and, I suppose, most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
will prefer doing yoga in the morning).
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IELTS academic The bar graph illustrates the percentage of men and women taking part in different sports activities.

Academic
  American English
7 paragraphs
362 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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