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The bar chart that illustrate the men and women employment rates.

The bar chart that illustrate the men and women employment rates. BlGVj
The presented bar charts illustrate the men and women employment rates in three countries. In addition, the data are given for the years 2005 and 2015. First of all, it is worth considering that the number of employed men is more than women within both years. So, for employed men, Japan takes the first place in 2005 and Australia has the lowest number in the same year. As a result, in 2015, Japan has the same place as the highest rate. Australia and Ireland have the same number. However, there is no dramatic change in any of them within these two years. On the other hand, in employed women, Ireland took the first place and Japan has the lowest percentage in 2005. But, in 2015, Australia has certainly raised -from 33% to 55%- and has the highest rate. However, Ireland’s rate decreased and Japan stayed the same as the lowest percentage. Taking everything into account, male in employment has a larger amount than female in employment within both years. So, the most change happened to employed female rates, in Australia, and employed male rates hasn’t change much from 2005 to 2015. 191 words
The presented bar charts illustrate the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and women employment
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rates
in three countries.
In addition
, the data are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
for the years 2005 and 2015.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, it is worth considering that the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employed
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
is more than women within both years.
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So
, for
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employed
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
,
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Japan
takes the
first
place in 2005 and Australia has the lowest number in the same
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year
.
As a result
, in 2015,
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Japan
has the same place as the highest
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rate
. Australia and Ireland have the same number.
However
, there is no dramatic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
in any of them within these two years.

On the other hand
, in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employed
women, Ireland took the
first
place and
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Japan
has the lowest percentage in 2005.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, in 2015, Australia has
certainly
raised -from 33% to 55%- and has the highest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
.
However
, Ireland’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
decreased and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Japan
stayed the same as the lowest percentage.

Taking everything into account, male in employment has a larger amount than female in employment within both years.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, the most
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
happened to
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employed
female
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rates
, in Australia, and
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employed
male
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rates
hasn’t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
much from 2005 to 2015.

191 words
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IELTS academic The bar chart that illustrate the men and women employment rates.

Academic
  American English
5 paragraphs
192 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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