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The bar chart shows a survey result from two different age groups in Sydney in 2015 on the relative importance of five factors in choosing a career. The figures are calculated percentage-wise.

The bar chart shows a survey result from two different age groups in Sydney in 2015 on the relative importance of five factors in choosing a career. The figures are calculated percentage-wise. 1ow97
The given bar chart displays information regarding choosing an occupation based on five important reasons in different age groups over a year. As is obvious, the highest population of young age group choice a job because of its income more than 25%, although for ages between 40 and 50 is only 17%. However, the most effective factor for older age group is parents exactly 30%. Further, the least percentage of people regardless of their age finding a job depends on their friends. There are about 5% for 20 to 35 and close to 10% for 40 to 50 years. There are approximately 8% of youngsters that are affected by teachers, whereas in comparison with other group is slightly lower. Moreover, relatively fewer older people cared about the trend ' role models' than younger group 12% and 14%, respectively. Overall, the provided data shows the causes why people accept a career. The vast majority of age group 20 to 30 years are influenced by money and the lowest one by friends. A dramatic percentage of age from 40 to 50 that were selected an occupation, were under the effect of their parents.
The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
bar chart displays information regarding choosing an occupation based on five
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
reasons in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
groups
over a year.

As is obvious, the highest population of young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
choice a job
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of its income more than 25%, although for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ages
between 40 and 50 is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
17%.
However
, the most effective factor for older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
is parents exactly 30%.
Further
, the least percentage of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
regardless of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
finding a job depends on their friends. There are about 5% for 20 to 35 and close to 10% for 40 to 50 years.

There are approximately 8% of youngsters that are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by teachers, whereas
in comparison
with other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
is
slightly
lower.
Moreover
,
relatively
fewer older
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
cared about the trend
Don't put a space on both sides of a quote symbol
'
role models' than younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
12% and 14%,
respectively
.

Overall
, the provided data
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
the causes why
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
accept a career. The vast majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
20 to 30 years
are influenced
by money and the lowest one by friends. A dramatic percentage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
from 40 to 50 that
were selected
an occupation, were under the effect of their parents.
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IELTS academic The bar chart shows a survey result from two different age groups in Sydney in 2015 on the relative importance of five factors in choosing a career. The figures are calculated percentage-wise.

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
191 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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