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The bar chart show the rate of unemployement

The bar chart show the rate of unemployement lqEeX
The bar chart illustrates the graduate unemployment rate in a European country from 2008 to 2009. Overall, it can be seen that the percentages of unemployed men and women of 20-24 ages were fluctuated. In comparison, men were unemployed more than women over the period. In 2008, male jobless graduates was at 10% in January, while women rate was at 8%. Male and female rates both declined to about 7% and 6% and remained unchanged in July. Subsequently, in October 2008, the men unemployment rate rose to over 15% and women’s at around 12%. However, the male unemployment percentage dropped to around 12% and remained steady from January to July prior to reach the peak at over 20% in the end of the period. At the meantime, female graduates who were unemployed decreased to about 9% and 2% before rising to 10% in July 2009. Moreover, female percentage had a significant surge to around 14% at the end of the period in October 2009.
The bar chart illustrates the graduate unemployment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
in a European country from 2008 to 2009.
Overall
, it can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that the percentages of unemployed
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and
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women
of 20-24 ages
were fluctuated
.
In comparison
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
were unemployed
more than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
over the period. In 2008, male jobless graduates was at 10% in January, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
was at 8%. Male and female
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rates
both declined to about 7% and 6% and remained unchanged in July.
Subsequently
, in October 2008, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
unemployment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
rose to over 15% and
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women’s
at around 12%.
However
, the male unemployment percentage dropped to around 12% and remained steady from January to July prior to reach the peak at over 20% in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the period. At the meantime, female graduates who
were unemployed
decreased to about 9% and 2%
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
rising to 10% in July 2009.
Moreover
, female percentage had a significant surge to around 14% at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the period in October 2009.

IELTS academic The bar chart show the rate of unemployement

Academic
  American English
1 paragraphs
164 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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