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The bar chart illustrates the percentage of science qualifications which held by individuals in Malaysia and Singapore.

The bar chart illustrates the percentage of science qualifications which held by individuals in Malaysia and Singapore. 2RdLJ
The bar chart illustrates the percentage of science qualifications which held by individuals in Malaysia and Singapore. On the whole, it is evident that whereas the people who do not have qualifications in science have substantially increased, there is a modest decrease in the proportion of master's degree holders. Looking at the total number of individuals without science qualifications, who are by far the most dominant than other, they witness a significant rate around 65% in Malaysia and 60% in Singapore. While the number of school leaving exams have slightly climb in Malaysia rather than Singapore estimate by 35 per cent and 30 per cent respectively. However, the bachelor's degree holders show a tiny ratio in Malaysia at 10%, they have double figure in Singapore which is at 20%. In contrast, people who held a master's degree, who are the least than the other, excperienced the same percentage in both country about 3 per cent.
The bar chart illustrates the percentage of science qualifications which held by individuals in Malaysia and Singapore.

On the whole
, it is evident that whereas the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
do not have qualifications in science have
substantially
increased, there is a modest decrease in the proportion of master's degree holders.

Looking at the total number of individuals without science qualifications,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are by far the most
Use "(dominant)" to make a comparison with this adjective.
dominant
than other, they witness a significant rate around 65% in Malaysia and 60% in Singapore. While the number of
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
school leaving
exams have
slightly
Possible agreement error -- use past participle here: "climbed".
climb
in Malaysia
rather
than Singapore estimate by 35 per cent and 30 per cent
respectively
.
However
, the bachelor's degree holders
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
a tiny ratio in Malaysia at 10%, they have double figure in Singapore which is at 20%.

In contrast
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
held a master's degree,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are the least than the other,
Possible spelling mistake found.
excperienced
the same percentage in both country about 3 per cent.

IELTS academic The bar chart illustrates the percentage of science qualifications which held by individuals in Malaysia and Singapore.

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
155 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
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  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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