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The bar chart compares the percentage of people by age group in one country in 2015, regarding their use of mobile phone/cell phone for four situations.

The bar chart compares the percentage of people by age group in one country in 2015, regarding their use of mobile phone/cell phone for four situations. 3brEm
This bar chart shows the percentage of people by age group in one country in 2015, regarding their use of mobile phone/cell phone for four situations: public transportation, street, restaurant, and family dinner. Overall, the percentage of people using their mobile phone on public transport and street account for the majority of all ages, while using during mealtimes showed the lowest rate. The largest proportion (90%) of people aged 18 to 29 used their cell phones while using public transport, marking the highest frequency, compared to lower figures for older groups, at 50% of those aged 65 and over.   While the percentage of people who use their cell phones on the street shows a less noticeable discrepancy of 80% of the age 18 to 29 which is 10% to 20% higher than other groups. The usage rate in the restaurant declined in accordance with age at 50% of young adults, as opposed to 20% for the elderly. Meanwhile, the proportion of phone users by all age groups during family dinner were quite comparable, at 20%, marking the lowest age gap in the chart.
This bar chart
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shows
the percentage of
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people
by
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age
group in one country in 2015, regarding their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of mobile phone/cell
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phone
for four situations: public transportation, street, restaurant, and family dinner.
Overall
, the percentage of
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people
using their mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
on public transport and street account for the majority of all
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ages
, while using during mealtimes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
the lowest rate.

The largest proportion (90%) of
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people
aged 18 to 29
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
their cell
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phones
while using public transport, marking the highest frequency, compared to lower figures for older groups, at 50% of those aged 65 and over.
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
  
While the percentage of
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people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their cell
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
on the street
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
a less noticeable discrepancy of 80% of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
18 to 29 which is 10% to 20% higher than other groups.

The usage rate in the restaurant declined in accordance with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
at 50% of young adults, as opposed to 20% for the elderly. Meanwhile, the proportion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
users by all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
groups during family dinner were quite comparable, at 20%, marking the lowest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
gap in the chart.

IELTS academic The bar chart compares the percentage of people by age group in one country in 2015, regarding their use of mobile phone/cell phone for four situations.

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
181 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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