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The Bar Chart Compares birth and Death rates in Switzerland over 50 years beginning from 1970.

The Bar Chart Compares birth and Death rates in Switzerland over 50 years beginning from 1970. J0226
Overall, Number of births in 2020 increased significantly. Furthemore this level started increasing from 1990. In 1970 births made up the higher level than death. At that time birth number was 1. 3 million but number of death was 1 millio. Suddenly death level increased higher point 1. 4 million in 1980. In 1990 birth degree significiantly higher than in 1970. In 1990 number was 1. 7 million In 20th century, Births number increased significiantly in 2020. However deaths rate was decreased perceptible. Furthemore deaths number was eight thousand in 2020. At that moment births rate was 3. 3 million. ! ! .
Overall
,
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Number
of
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births
in 2020 increased
significantly
.
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Furthemore
this level
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
increasing from 1990.

In 1970
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births
made up the higher level than death. At that time
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birth
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number
was 1. 3 million
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
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number
of death was 1
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millio
.
Suddenly
death level increased higher point 1. 4 million in 1980. In 1990
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birth
degree
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significiantly
higher than in 1970. In 1990
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number
was 1. 7 million

Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
20th century,
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Births
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number
increased
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significiantly
in 2020.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
deaths rate
was decreased
perceptible.
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Furthemore
deaths
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number
was eight thousand in 2020. At that moment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
births
rate was 3. 3 million. ! !
Don't put a space before the full stop
.
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IELTS academic The Bar Chart Compares birth and Death rates in Switzerland over 50 years beginning from 1970.

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
103 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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