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the average monthly temperatures and hours of sunshine per year in three cities

the average monthly temperatures and hours of sunshine per year in three cities gDbV7
Here is linear graph illustrating the average temperature each month and a table expressing the total amount of hours of sunshine in three different cities. New York and London seem to have a similar approach in the rise and fall of temperatures, while Sydney has a quite different way. By taking a closer look at the table it is evidently clear that both Sydney and New York share almost the same amount of sunshine hours per year, in the meantime London is slightly below them. At the start of each year, the American city and British both experience low temperatures, for New York it is somewhere less than 5 degrees. On the contrary, Sydney commences the year with warm weather with temperatures above 25 degrees. Afterwards temperatures in London and New York climb up, reaching a peak at approximately 23 degrees and 30 degrees respectively. By that time of the year the people living in Sydney are experiencing cool weather with temperatures dropping to 15 degrees. Despite of the major differences in Sydney’s and New York’s climate cycles, they are exposed to same amounts of sunshine. On the other hand the capital of England has a rate of sunshine below 2000 hours every year.
Here is linear graph illustrating the average
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
temperature
each month and a table expressing the total amount of hours of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sunshine
in three
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
cities.

New York and London seem to have a similar approach in the rise and fall of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
temperatures
, while Sydney has a quite
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
way. By taking a closer look at the table it is
evidently
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that both Sydney and
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New
York share almost the same amount of
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sunshine
hours per
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year
, in the meantime London is
slightly
below them.

At the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
of each
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year
, the American city and British both experience low
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temperatures
, for
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New
York it is somewhere less than 5 degrees.
On the contrary
, Sydney commences the
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year
with warm weather with
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temperatures
above 25 degrees.

Afterwards
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temperatures
in London and
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New
York climb up, reaching a peak at approximately 23 degrees and 30 degrees
respectively
. By that time of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
living in Sydney are experiencing cool weather with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
temperatures
dropping to 15 degrees.

Did you mean "Despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
Despite of
the major differences in Sydney’s and
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New
York’s climate cycles, they
are exposed
to same amounts of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sunshine
.
On the other hand
the capital of England has a rate of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sunshine
below 2000 hours every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
.
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IELTS academic the average monthly temperatures and hours of sunshine per year in three cities

Academic
  American English
5 paragraphs
204 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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