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ssay on the topic of employment for men and women in 1970 and 2000 in Belgium, the USA, Japan, and Indonesia in a bar chart

ssay on the topic of employment for men and women in 1970 and 2000 in Belgium, the USA, Japan, and Indonesia in a bar chart 3WRnd
The percentage of employment among males and females between 60-64 ages detailed in this bar chart between 1970 and 2000 in Belgium, USA, Japan, and Indonesia. Looking from an overall perspective, it is readily apparent, that people who work at 60-64 ages become less across all nations this 30 year-period. Also, men’s employment was larger around by 10-20% than women between 1970 and 2000. To be detail in all categories in 1970, there is the largest disparity in working proportion between Japanese elderly gender almost 20% (men 75% and women 55%). Whereas in USA, number of male employment constituted around 90% and the gap between female was only 10%. The other nations’ women who worked in Belgium and Indonesia have broadly similar percentage around 65%. Elderly men in Belgium were 79% and around 85% in Indonesia approximately. Largest drop recorded in Belgium by 2000 between male and female, 50% and near 10% relatively. However, the moderate fall was in Indonesia in both genders by 10%. In USA women aged 60-64 were not active in career and dropped from 79% to 43%, whereas men have decline by nearly 17%. The narrowest gap was in Japan between genders’ employment around 52-50% each of categories.
The percentage of
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employment
among males and females between 60-64 ages detailed in this bar chart between 1970 and 2000 in Belgium, USA, Japan, and Indonesia. Looking from an
overall
perspective, it is
readily
apparent, that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who work at 60-64 ages become less across all nations this 30 year-period.
Also
,
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men’s
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employment
was larger
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around
by 10-20% than
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women
between 1970 and 2000.

To be detail in all categories in 1970, there is the largest disparity in working proportion between Japanese elderly gender almost 20% (
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
75% and
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women
55%). Whereas
A determiner is probably missing here: "in the USA".
in USA
, number of male
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employment
constituted
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around
90% and the gap between female was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
10%. The other nations’
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women
who worked in Belgium and Indonesia have
broadly
similar percentage
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around
65%. Elderly
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men
in Belgium were 79% and
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around
85% in Indonesia approximately.

A determiner is probably missing here: "the Largest".
Largest
drop recorded in Belgium by 2000 between male and female, 50% and near 10%
relatively
.
However
, the moderate fall was in Indonesia in both genders by 10%. In USA
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women
aged 60-64 were not active in career and dropped from 79% to 43%, whereas
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men
have decline by
nearly
17%. The narrowest gap was in Japan between genders’
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
around
52-50% each of categories.

IELTS academic ssay on the topic of employment for men and women in 1970 and 2000 in Belgium, the USA, Japan, and Indonesia in a bar chart

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
202 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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