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show data of strial industy and give opinion between the wo in words

show data of strial industy and give opinion between the wo in words Kw3l1
The given table chart illustrates the number of workers worked in different Australian sectors from the year 1989 to 2009. Data is calibrated in percentage. Overall, at the beginning of the period, the highest proportion of working in a manufacturing segment, However; the least workers worked in the tourism sector. But, at the end of the period, the maximum number of workers moved in the Healthcare sector and least were still in the tourism industry. In 1989, 15% of workers employed in the manufacturing sector, but, after two decades its percentage dropped to 9. 8%. The percentage of workers employed in the Retail sector also declined from 11. 8 to 10. 1 between the two years. In the year 1989, the number of workers worked in the Healthcare sector was 2% more than in the construction industry, but, in the end, the difference between the two increased by 1% as compared to the year 1989. The education and tourism segment accounted for 6. 8% and 5. 5% of workers respectively in the year 1989 but, in the end, more than 7% of workers worked in these two industries.
The
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given
table chart illustrates the number of
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workers
worked in
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different
Australian
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sectors
from the
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year
1989 to 2009. Data
is calibrated
in percentage.

Overall
, at the beginning of the period, the highest proportion of working in a manufacturing segment,
However
; the least
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workers
worked in the tourism
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sector
.
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But
, at the
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end
of the period, the maximum number of
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workers
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moved
in the Healthcare
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sector
and least were
still
in the tourism industry.

In 1989, 15% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
employed in the manufacturing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
, after two decades its percentage dropped to 9. 8%. The percentage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
employed in the Retail
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
also
declined from 11. 8 to 10. 1 between the two years.

In the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
1989, the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
worked in the Healthcare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
was 2% more than in the construction industry,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
, in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
, the difference between the two increased by 1% as compared to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
1989. The education and tourism segment accounted for 6. 8% and 5. 5% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
respectively
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
1989
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
, in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
, more than 7% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
worked in these two industries.
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IELTS academic show data of strial industy and give opinion between the wo in words

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
188 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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