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Rift valley fever sufferers in Mexico, Brazil and Japan

Rift valley fever sufferers in Mexico, Brazil and Japan gWada
The line graph gives information about the number of people affected by a certain disease in three different countries in 1995. Overall, the proportion of people who suffered from rift valley fever in Japan experienced a considerable decrease during the given period, while the figure for Brazil rose sharply. The index for Mexico, however, witnessed some mild fluctuations. The number of rift valley fever sufferers increased sharply from 2000 in January to 1000 in May. After keeping the same level for a month, the figure continued increasing to around 1500 by the end of the year. The proportion of infected people in Mexico, which was well over 800 in January, experienced a significant fluctuation over the given period, reaching a high of 1150 in April and falling to a low of about 430 in December. The same figure for the Japanese registered a significant decrease by 700 from 1500 in January to 800 in May, showing the same level for 3 month, between May and July the figure, then, fell considerably to just under 200 until December
The line graph gives information about the number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by a certain disease in three
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
countries in 1995.

Overall
, the proportion of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who suffered from rift valley fever in Japan experienced a considerable decrease during the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
period, while the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
figure
for Brazil rose
sharply
. The index for Mexico,
however
, witnessed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
mild fluctuations.

The number of rift valley fever sufferers increased
sharply
from 2000 in January to 1000 in May. After keeping the same level for a month, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
figure
continued increasing to around 1500 by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the year. The proportion of infected
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in Mexico, which was well over 800 in January, experienced a significant fluctuation over the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
period, reaching a high of 1150 in April and falling to a low of about 430 in December.

The same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
figure
for the Japanese registered a significant decrease by 700 from 1500 in January to 800 in May, showing the same level for 3
Possible agreement error. The noun 'month' seems to be countable, so consider using: "months".
month
, between May and July the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
figure
, then, fell
considerably
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
under 200 until December

IELTS academic Rift valley fever sufferers in Mexico, Brazil and Japan

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
176 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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