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proportion of the working population in manufacturing

proportion of the working population in manufacturing gGaNg
The pie charts compare the proportion of the working population in manufacturing, sales and services in 1960 and 2010 in two towns. Overall, the percentage of the workforce in manufacturing increased in both towns in 2010 compared with the 1960 figures. By contrast, in Towns A and B, the proportion of those working in the sales sector fell in 2010. In 1960, the figure for workers in manufacturing was 29% in Town A, almost three times higher than the figure in Town B. However, by 2010 the proportion of people in manufacturing had risen in Towns A and B to 64% and 25%, respectively. On the other hand, the figures for the sales sector witnessed a decline. In Town A, the proportion of the workforce in sales in 1960 was 41% and this fell by over half to 20% in 2010. In Town B, the figure decreased from 70% in 1960 to 53% in 2010. The percentage of workers in the services sector almost halved in Town A to 16% in 2010, whereas in Town B it rose slightly from 20% in 1960 to 22% in 2010.
The pie charts compare the
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proportion
of the working population in
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manufacturing
,
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sales
and services in 1960 and 2010 in two towns.

Overall
, the percentage of the workforce in
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manufacturing
increased in both
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towns
in 2010 compared with the 1960
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figures
. By contrast, in
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Towns
A and B, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
proportion
of those working in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
sector fell in 2010.

In 1960, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
figure
for workers in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
manufacturing
was 29% in
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Town
A, almost three times higher than the
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figure
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Town
B.
However
, by 2010 the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
proportion
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
manufacturing
had risen in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Towns
A and B to 64% and 25%,
respectively
.

On the other hand
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
figures
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
sector witnessed a decline. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Town
A, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
proportion
of the workforce in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
in 1960 was 41% and this fell by over half to 20% in 2010. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Town
B, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
figure
decreased from 70% in 1960 to 53% in 2010.

The percentage of workers in the services sector almost halved in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Town
A to 16% in 2010, whereas in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Town
B it rose
slightly
from 20% in 1960 to 22% in 2010.
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IELTS academic proportion of the working population in manufacturing

Academic
  American English
5 paragraphs
187 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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