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Proportion of Population aged 65 years and above

Proportion of Population aged 65 years and above kL5Xd
The graph illustrates the proportion of individuals aged 65 and up in three nations (Japan, Sweden, and the U. S. A. ) throughout the century. Overall, the population of people aged 65 and older rose in all three nations by the end of the century, with Japan having the highest number. It is evident that Japan had a low population of people aged 65 and over at the beginning of the century, but by the turn of the century, it had reached a peak. In 1940, the percentage of the population aged 65 and above was 5% in Japan, 10% in the U. S. , and somewhere between 5% and 10% in Sweden. The rate of population growth has varied over the century, but it always indicates a significant increase in population. It is also undeniable that in Japan, the population proportion dropped until 1960, after which it remained stagnant, followed by an increase in the number of individuals.
The graph illustrates the proportion of individuals
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aged
65 and up in three nations
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(Japan
, Sweden, and the U. S. A.
Don't put a space before the closing parenthesis
)
throughout the century.

Overall
, the
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population
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
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aged
65 and older rose in all three nations by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the century, with
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Japan
having the highest number.

It is evident that
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Japan
had a low
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population
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
aged
65 and over at the beginning of the century,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
by the turn of the century, it had reached a peak. In 1940, the percentage of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
aged
65 and above was 5% in
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Japan
, 10% in the U. S.
Put a space after the comma, but not before the comma
,
and somewhere between 5% and 10% in Sweden. The rate of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
growth has varied over the century,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it always indicates a significant increase in population.

It is
also
undeniable that in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Japan
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
proportion dropped until 1960, after which it remained stagnant, followed by an increase in the number of individuals.
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IELTS academic Proportion of Population aged 65 years and above

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
159 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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