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Unemployment figures amongst women

Unemployment figures amongst women 9BQNw
the graph shows percentage of unemployed women at 8 ages. It can be clearly seen that the ages 18 and 45 have the highest unemployment rate. According to the graph, among the ages 18, 20, 25, 30 and 35, the youngest women have the highest unemployment percentage (15%). 20 year old woman have much lower unemployment figures (about 10%) and percentages even drop lower (to 5 percent) for those aged 25 and 35. There is a slight increase for those aged 30, where the unemployment rate reaches 6 percent. The peak value is recorded amongst 45 yeat-old women, all the remaining ages have much lower figures: 8% at age 55 and 9% at age 65. To sum up, the figures for most ages are relatively uniform and change from 5 to 9%, with rare exceptions such as ages 18 and 45.
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the
graph
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shows
percentage of unemployed women at 8
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ages
. It can be
clearly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that the
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ages
18 and 45 have the highest
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unemployment
rate. According to the graph, among the
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ages
18, 20, 25, 30 and 35, the youngest women have the highest
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unemployment
percentage (15%). 20 year
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old
woman have much lower
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unemployment
figures (about 10%) and percentages even drop lower (to 5 percent) for those aged 25 and 35. There is a slight increase for those aged 30, where the
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unemployment
rate reaches 6 percent.

The peak value
is recorded
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amongst
45 yeat-
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old
women, all the remaining
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ages
have much lower figures: 8% at
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age
55 and 9% at
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age
65. To sum up, the figures for most
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ages
are
relatively
uniform and
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change
from 5 to 9%, with rare exceptions such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ages
18 and 45.
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IELTS academic Unemployment figures amongst women

Academic
  American English
2 paragraphs
141 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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