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Graph description od computer ownership

Graph description od computer ownership J3LP6
The bar chats illustrate the percentage of the population owning a computer device between the years of 2002 and 2010, and also has a depiction according to the level of education. Overall, there is a signification portion of the population owning a computer. Approximately, 77 percent of the population own a computer in the year 2010. Since 2002, the graph visualizes a steady incline in the percentage of computer ownership. Meanwhile, people with the highest qualification of a postgraduation degree occupy the position of highest computer ownership in both 2002 and 2010 with an estimated 77 percent and 90 percent respectively. People with no high school diploma have the lowest percent, which is 15% in 2002, but there is a sharp increase of the same people having a 42% owning a computer. For the graph showing ownership by education level, it is evident that as people achieve a higher education they tend to invest more in computers which shows a upward trend in both 2002 and 2010.
The bar chats illustrate the percentage of the population owning a computer device between the years of 2002 and 2010, and
also
has a depiction according to the level of education.

Overall
, there is a signification portion of the population owning a computer. Approximately, 77
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percent
of the population
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
a computer in the year 2010. Since 2002, the graph visualizes a steady incline in the percentage of computer ownership.

Meanwhile,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
with the highest qualification of a
Possible spelling mistake found.
postgraduation
degree occupy the position of
A determiner is probably missing here: "the highest".
highest
computer ownership in both 2002 and 2010 with an estimated 77
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percent
and 90
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percent
respectively
.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
with no high school diploma have the lowest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percent
, which is 15% in 2002,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
there is a sharp increase of the same
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
having a 42% owning a computer. For the graph showing ownership by education level, it is evident that as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
achieve a higher education they tend to invest more in computers which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
upward trend in both 2002 and 2010.
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IELTS academic Graph description od computer ownership

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
167 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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