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Proportion of males and females in a nation

Proportion of males and females in a nation j9DpN
The information about the proportion of males and females indulged in certain household activities such as cooking, cleaning, pet caring and repairing and the average time taken by both the genders respectively is depicted by the rendered twin bar graph. To begin with, the percentage of women tops the list in cooking accounted for 80 whereas three fifth of the men were involved in this work. The ratio of both the genders is approximately same for pet care which is around 20%. However, one fifth of men prefer to do house repairs while only half of this number of women were interested to do this work. Nonetheless, three fifth of women enjoyed doing cleaning which is slightly greater compared to that of men. Moving further, both males and females prefer to spend same amount of time for pet care which is 20 minutes. Moreover the majority of time spent by both women and men was in cooking (80 minutes and 60 minutes sequentially). Nevertheless, the least amount of time consumed by both the genders were 15 and 10 minutes distributively in house reapairs. To sum up, it can be vividly manifested that both the genders spend topmost time on cooking while bottommost on house repairs.
The information about the proportion of males and females indulged in certain household activities such as cooking, cleaning, pet caring and repairing and the average
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
taken by both the genders
respectively
is depicted
by the rendered twin bar graph.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the percentage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
tops the list in cooking accounted for 80 whereas three fifth of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
were involved
in this work. The ratio of both the genders is approximately same for pet care which is around 20%.
However
, one fifth of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
prefer to do
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
repairs while
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
half of this number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
were interested
to do this work. Nonetheless, three fifth of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
enjoyed
The usual collocation for an activity ending in "-ing" is "go" not "do" or "play." Revise: "going cleaning".
doing cleaning
which is
slightly
greater compared to that of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
.

Moving
further
, both males and females prefer to spend same amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for pet care which is 20 minutes.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Moreover
the majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
spent by both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
was in cooking (80 minutes and 60 minutes
sequentially
).
Nevertheless
, the least amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
consumed by both the genders were 15 and 10 minutes
distributively
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
Possible spelling mistake found.
reapairs
.

To sum up, it can be
vividly
manifested that both the genders spend topmost
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on cooking while
Possible spelling mistake found.
bottommost
on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
repairs.
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IELTS academic Proportion of males and females in a nation

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
205 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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