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Percentage of time younger and older people

Percentage of time younger and older people QKp23
The pie charts illustrate the proportion of the time spent on the Internet of younger people and older people group in their free time which is not included the email. Overall, the young age group spent their free time on social network the most, at the same time, older people spent on making booking. It can be seen that younger people of 18-26 ages spent their time on social networking at 24% more than playing games and access to the music and films. In the contrary, they made booking such as cinema and travel only 5% which is the lowest percentage. At the same time, older people search on the internet for making booking at 25% which is the highest percentage, but they less spent their free time on playing games at about 5%.
The pie charts illustrate the proportion of the
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time
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spent
on the Internet of younger
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people
and older
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people
group in their free
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time
which is not included the email.
Overall
, the young age group
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spent
their free
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time
on social network the most, at the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spent
on making booking. It can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of 18-26 ages
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spent
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on social networking at 24% more than playing games and access to the music and films. In the contrary, they made booking such as cinema and travel
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
5% which is the lowest percentage. At the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
search on the internet for making booking at 25% which is the highest percentage,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spent
their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on playing games at about 5%.

IELTS academic Percentage of time younger and older people

Academic
  American English
1 paragraphs
134 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
4.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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