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percentage of overweight men and women in australia 1980- 2010

percentage of overweight men and women in australia 1980- 2010 NM3o2
The bar chart compares the percentage of overweight people in Ausrealia in the period from 1980 to 2010. It is also noticeable that the proportion of both two genders were overweight showed an upward trend. Overall, the data for men was higher than that of women through the period shown. In 1980, the percentage of fat men being at 50%, which was just below 20% higher than the figure for women. Ten years later, the proportion of overweight females witnessed a dramatic ranging from 30% to 40%, an increase 10%. However, its data sharply lower than the rate of fat men, at around 50%. More people did not stay healthy, with the percentage of males being overweight climbing from just bigger 70% in 2000, compared to the second highest rate of 69% in 2010. By contrast, the the proportion of portly females in 2000 experienced a significant rise of about 50%, which was equal with its figure in 2010.
The bar chart compares the percentage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
overweight
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in
Possible spelling mistake found.
Ausrealia
in the period from 1980 to 2010. It is
also
noticeable that the proportion of both two genders were
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
overweight
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
an upward trend.
Overall
, the data for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
was higher than that of women through the period shown.

In 1980, the percentage of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
being at 50%, which was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
below 20% higher than the figure for women. Ten years later, the proportion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
overweight
females witnessed a dramatic ranging from 30% to 40%, an increase 10%.
However
, its data
sharply
lower than the rate of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
, at around 50%.

More
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
did not stay healthy, with the percentage of males being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
overweight
climbing from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
bigger 70% in 2000, compared to the second highest rate of 69% in 2010. By contrast,
Maybe you need to remove one determiner so that only "the" or "the" is left.
the the
proportion of
portly
females in 2000 experienced a significant rise of about 50%, which was equal with its figure in 2010.
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IELTS academic percentage of overweight men and women in australia 1980- 2010

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
159 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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