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online sales for retail sectors in canada in 2005&2010

online sales for retail sectors in canada in 2005&2010 oVMEq
This diagrams illustrates that the percentages of various retail sectors in online sales in Canada in the years of 2005&2010. Overall, the sales of home furniture had dramatically decreased. although food & beverage purchases significantly accelerated on internet. video games sales also slightly increased. However, electrons & equipment had dramatically shown decrease in Canada's online reatil sales. Firstly, the electronics & equipment accounted for 25% retail sales in 2005, but in 2010 eventually plummet to 15%. Meanwhile, ultimately the craze for food & beverage increased on internet. in 2005 the percentage of online sales for food and beverage was just 22%, by 2010 it accounted 32%, it made them to have largest internet retail sales in Canada. . In addition, in 2005 the home furnishing was accounted 35% in retail e-commerce sales in Canada and had biggest retail sales in that year among other different sectors while, it had fall down to 30% by 2010. Moreover, the percentage of videogame sales 18% in 2005 but, it had risen and subsequently climbed to 23% by 2010.
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This
diagrams
You should probably use "illustrate".
illustrates
that the percentages of various
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retail
sectors in online
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sales
in Canada in the years of 2005&2010.

Overall
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
of home furniture had
dramatically
decreased.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
although
food & beverage
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchases
significantly
accelerated on internet.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
video
games
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sales
also
slightly
increased.
However
, electrons & equipment had
dramatically
shown decrease in Canada's online
Possible spelling mistake found.
reatil
sales.

Firstly
, the electronics & equipment accounted for 25%
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retail
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
in 2005,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in 2010
eventually
plummet to 15%. Meanwhile,
ultimately
the craze for food & beverage increased on internet.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
in
2005 the percentage of online
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sales
for food and beverage was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
22%, by 2010 it accounted 32%, it made them to have
A determiner is probably missing here: "the largest".
largest
internet
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retail
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
in Canada.
Don't put a space before the full stop
.


In addition
, in 2005 the home furnishing
was accounted
35% in
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retail
e-commerce
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
in Canada and had
A determiner is probably missing here: "the biggest".
biggest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retail
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
in that year among other
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
sectors while, it had fall down to 30% by 2010.
Moreover
, the percentage of
Possible spelling mistake found.
videogame
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
18% in 2005
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
, it had risen and
subsequently
climbed to 23% by 2010.
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IELTS academic online sales for retail sectors in canada in 2005&2010

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
175 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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