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number of mobile phones’s attributes used by their owners

number of mobile phones’s attributes used by their owners NyRmN
The table gives information about the number of mobile phones’ attributes used by their owners in the period from 2006 to 2010 The most outstanding feature is that throughout the period, people used phones to make the calls most. Additionally, playing music was the feature which had the least people using. As can be seen from the table, in 2006, 100% of people used mobile phones to call and this figure was remained unchanged in 2008 before falling by a mere 1% in 2010. It was followed by the percentage of phones performing a function for texting and photographing, with just over three in four of total and 66% respectively in 2006 and gradually edging up to nearly 80% each in the last year of the period. In addition, having no data reported, the proportion of people using their phones for browsing the Web saw a significant increase to 73% in a 4-year-period. By contrast, only a few phones were used for playing music, playing games, and recording videos, at below half of the total.
The table gives information about the number of mobile
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phones’
attributes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
by their owners in the period from 2006 to 2010

The most outstanding feature is that throughout the period,
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people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the calls most.
Additionally
, playing music was the feature which had the least
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people
using.

As can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
from the table, in 2006, 100% of
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people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
to call and this figure
was remained
unchanged in 2008
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
falling by a mere 1% in 2010. It
was followed
by the percentage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
performing a function for texting and photographing, with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
over three in four of total and 66%
respectively
in 2006 and
gradually
edging up to
nearly
80% each in the last year of the period.
In addition
, having no data reported, the proportion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
using their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
for browsing the Web
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
a significant increase to 73% in a 4-year-period. By contrast,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
were
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for playing music, playing games, and recording videos, at below half of the total.
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IELTS academic number of mobile phones’s attributes used by their owners

Academic
  American English
2 paragraphs
175 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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