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Nowadays many people have access to computers on a wide basis and a large number of children play computer games.What are the negative impacts of children playing computer games and what can be done to minimize the bad effects?

Nowadays many people have access to computers on a wide basis and a large number of children play computer games. What are the negative impacts of children playing computer games and what can be done to minimize the bad effects? 2w6k
These days majority of people have access to computers and children are using computers to play games. There are lot of disadvantages, however, in many ways we can tackle them. Firstly, sitting in front of computer can affect the health of the children. Many hospitals are reported that the number of health issues are more in children due to the use of computers such as severe head ache, vision problem etc. Secondly, they are more into a sedentary life style and not indulging in outdoor games. This can lead to weight gain and obesity, which is a major problem facing by young population. Its important to find a way to solve these issues. Encourage the kids to participate in outdoor activities or their favorite sports. Limit the number of hours of watching time in computer. Put them the habit of reading books by keeping the books on the table or near to bed and not keeping in shelf. When children get their favorite books, they automatically reduce the usage of computers. Provide age appropriate books to the children, so they love them. In conclusion, even though there are problems related to using computers, many steps need to introduce in the life style to find a solution to it.
These
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "days'" or "day's"?
days
majority of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have access to computers and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are using computers to play games. There are
It seems that an article is missing.
lot of
disadvantages,
however
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways we can tackle them.
Firstly
, sitting in front of computer can affect the health of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
hospitals
are reported
that the number of health issues are more in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
due to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of computers such as severe head ache, vision problem etc.
Secondly
, they are more into a sedentary life style and not indulging in outdoor games. This can lead to weight gain and obesity, which is a major problem facing by young population.
Did you mean "It's" (="It is") instead of 'its' (possessive pronoun)?
Its
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to find a way to solve these issues. Encourage the kids to participate in outdoor activities or their favorite sports. Limit the number of hours of watching time in computer. Put them the habit of reading
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
by keeping the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
on the table or near to bed and not keeping in shelf. When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
their favorite
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
, they
automatically
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the usage of computers. Provide age appropriate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
books
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
them.
In conclusion
,
even though
there are problems related to using computers,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
steps need to introduce in the life style to find a solution to it.
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IELTS academic Nowadays many people have access to computers on a wide basis and a large number of children play computer games. What are the negative impacts of children playing computer games and what can be done to minimize the bad effects?

Academic
  American English
1 paragraphs
208 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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