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male and female gym membership between 1980 and 2010

male and female gym membership between 1980 and 2010 Myyya
This graph shows how men and females engage with the gym from 1980 to 2010. In 1980, 1000 girls and 2000 boys get the membership of the gym. Then until 1985, there is a huge increase can be found from the boys comparing to girls increase, after 1985 it became a decrease for boys and still girls had an increase of gaining membership until 1995. Although between 1990 and 2000, female's memberships are higher than male's membership but soon after 2000, male's involvement with gym was rapidly increased but the female didn't show much variation of there involvement with the gym. However again after 2005, men were not much engaged with the gym, in fact the difference between 2005 and 2010 is around 4500 which is the largest decrease of the entire graph. but women's also showed the decrease about the gym member ship. In conclusion after 2005, people are getting away from the gym activities which is not good for their physical health.
This graph
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
how
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and females engage with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gym
from 1980 to 2010.

In 1980, 1000 girls and 2000 boys
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
membership
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gym
. Then until 1985, there is a huge increase can
be found
from the boys comparing to girls increase, after 1985 it became a decrease for boys and
still
girls had an increase of gaining
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
membership
until 1995. Although between 1990 and 2000, female's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
memberships
are higher than male's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
membership
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
after 2000, male's involvement with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gym
was
rapidly
increased
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the female didn't
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
much variation of there involvement with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gym
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
again after 2005,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
were not much engaged with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gym
, in fact the difference between 2005 and 2010 is around 4500 which is the largest decrease of the entire graph.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
but
women's
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
the decrease about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gym
member ship.
In conclusion
after 2005,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are getting away from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gym
activities which is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for their physical health.
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IELTS academic male and female gym membership between 1980 and 2010

Academic
  American English
2 paragraphs
164 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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