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Life circle of salmon fish

Life circle of salmon fish dq62P
The diagram illustrates the life span of salmon from the stage of eggs to the adult over 5 years period. Overall, the diagram explains how large fish eggs to an adult fish. The life cycle consists of 3 stages corresponding to its growth. Firstly, the salmon lay eggs in between the small stones located in the nadir of the river, where reeds developed from eggs over a period of 5-6 months. Moreover, reeds move slowly in the upper river where reeds turn into fry which is 3-8 cm long. Secondly, fry moves into the stage of smolt with 12-15 cm long in a period of 4 years which moves in the lower river with fast flowing of water. Finally, smolt grows as adult salmon which will take nearly 5 years to be an adult. In fact, adult salmon can lead their life in the open sea and the adult salmon will lay eggs, Thus the life cycle of a species of large fish will continue.
The diagram illustrates the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
span of salmon from the stage of eggs to the adult over 5 years period.

Overall
, the diagram
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explains
how large fish eggs to an adult fish. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
cycle consists of 3 stages corresponding to its growth.

Firstly
, the salmon lay eggs in between the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
stones located in the nadir of the river, where reeds developed from eggs over a period of 5-6 months.
Moreover
, reeds
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
slowly
in the upper river where reeds turn into fry which is 3-8 cm long.
Secondly
, fry
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
moves
into the stage of
Possible spelling mistake found.
smolt
with 12-15 cm long in a period of 4 years which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
moves
in the lower river with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
flowing of water.

Finally
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
smolt
grows as adult salmon which will take
nearly
5 years to be an adult. In fact, adult salmon can lead their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
in the open sea and the adult salmon will lay eggs,
Thus
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
cycle of a species of large fish will continue.
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IELTS academic Life circle of salmon fish

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
165 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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  • Meet the criteria
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