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Information and prediction of the changes in percentage of population aged 65 and above in three countries

Information and prediction of the changes in percentage of population aged 65 and above in three countries QdyP
The given table illustrates the rate of population in the past and future years of older people from 65 and more, within Canada, Germany and UK. Overall, not only Germany elderly people percentage remains at the peak during all years, but also, the predictions for coming future sees a dramatic hype. In 1988, Germany population was highest at 20. 45% compared to Canada at 16. 32% and UK with 14. 23%. Whereas, in 2000 a drastic change can be seen in rise of population in Germany (25. 32%) along side Canada (20. 67%), while UK still at the lowest (14. 89%). Future prediction for all three countries can increase at a rapid rate with Germany older public population rising upto (30. 42%), Canada (26. 35%) with UK (20. 35%).
The
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given
table illustrates the rate of
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population
in the past and future years of older
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from 65 and more, within Canada, Germany and UK.

Overall
, not
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only
Germany elderly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
percentage remains at the peak during all years,
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but
also
, the predictions for coming future
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sees
a dramatic hype.

In 1988, Germany
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population
was highest at 20. 45% compared to Canada at 16. 32% and UK with 14. 23%.
“Whereas” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Whereas
, in 2000 a drastic
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change
can be
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seen
in rise of
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population
in Germany (25. 32%)
Did you mean "alongside"?
along side
Canada (20. 67%), while UK
still
at the lowest (14. 89%).

Future prediction for all three countries can increase at a rapid rate with Germany older public
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population
rising
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upto
(30. 42%), Canada (26. 35%) with UK (20. 35%).
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IELTS academic Information and prediction of the changes in percentage of population aged 65 and above in three countries

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
129 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
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  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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