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Expenditure on residential and mobile phones in ten years

Expenditure on residential and mobile phones in ten years Baq2d
The chart provides information about the normal amount of money spent annually on mobile phone and residential phone services in a period of 10 years(2001 - 2010). Overall, it can be seen that both the type of services have taken opposite directions in terms of spending. While the quantity of dollar spent on portable devices rose consistently the whole period, residential phones services expeditures decline. In 2001 the Americans were spending around $700 dollars each year in residential phone expenses, but after one decade, that is, in the year of 2010, that figure dropped to a little more than $400 dollars. So, it means a dip of half of the figures that were spent at the beginning of the decade. On the other hand, the amount of cash paid in services related to portable phones climbed steadily. In 2001, for example, US consumers spent a bit more than $200 dollars, whereas in 2010, those numbers were more than $700. Therefore, according to the data given, it is possible to claim that the expediture with portable phone services went up by at least 200 percent in ten years.
The chart provides information about the normal amount of money
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spent
annually
on mobile
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phone
and residential
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phone
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services
in a period of 10 years(
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2001 - 2010
).

Overall
, it can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that both the type of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
have taken opposite directions in terms of spending. While the quantity of
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dollar
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spent
on portable devices rose
consistently
the whole period, residential
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phones
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
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expeditures
decline.

In 2001 the Americans were spending around
Consider using "700" only; there is no need for the currency symbol because 'dollars' follows
$700
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dollars
each
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year
in residential
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phone
expenses,
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but
after one decade,
that is
, in the
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year
of 2010, that figure dropped to a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
more than
Consider using "400" only; there is no need for the currency symbol because 'dollars' follows
$400
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dollars
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, it means a dip of half of the figures that were
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spent
at the beginning of the decade.

On the other hand
, the amount of cash paid in
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services
related to portable
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phones
climbed
steadily
. In 2001,
for example
, US consumers
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spent
a bit more than
Consider using "200" only; there is no need for the currency symbol because 'dollars' follows
$200
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dollars
, whereas in 2010, those numbers were more than $700.
Therefore
, according to the data
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
, it is possible to claim that the
Possible spelling mistake found.
expediture
with portable
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phone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
went up by at least 200 percent in ten years.
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IELTS academic Expenditure on residential and mobile phones in ten years

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
187 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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