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describe pie chart give information

describe pie chart give information gAGnD
The pie chart shows changes in New Zealand online sales for retail sectors between 2003 and 2013. Overall, travel and film/music was almost two biggest items of sales. On the other hand, books and clothes had a bit change between 2003 and 2013. In 2013, 36% of online sales came from travel, with a highest point. There was a slight decrease of 7% to 29% in the figuer for travel in 2013. Meanwhile, the percentage of online shopping sales from film/music stood at 21% in 2003, but later rose significantly by 12% to 33% in 2013. Film/music was the most popular with buyers in 2013. The period from 2003 to 2013 saw a steady decrease in the proportion for clothes, from 24% to 16% in 2013. This mean, clothes was less popular with buyers than other sectors in 2013. The amount of online sales for books was approximately same in both years.
The pie chart
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
in New Zealand
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online
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sales
for retail sectors between 2003 and 2013.
Overall
, travel and film/music was almost two biggest items of
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sales
.
On the other hand
, books and clothes had a
It seems that there's a missing preposition after ''.
bit
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
between 2003 and 2013.

In 2013, 36% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
came from travel, with
Use "the" with the superlative.
a
highest point. There was a slight decrease of 7% to 29% in the
Possible spelling mistake found.
figuer
for travel in 2013. Meanwhile, the percentage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
shopping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
from film/music stood at 21% in 2003,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
later rose
significantly
by 12% to 33% in 2013. Film/music was the most popular with buyers in 2013.

The period from 2003 to 2013
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
a steady decrease in the proportion for clothes, from 24% to 16% in 2013. This mean, clothes was less popular with buyers than other sectors in 2013. The amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
for books was approximately same in both years.
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IELTS academic describe pie chart give information

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
152 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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