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Bar chart which shows percentage of 9-13 year old pupils in different countries

Bar chart which shows percentage of 9-13 year old pupils in different countries m8yx1
Given chart Introduces the share of children in two age groups in an average form in various countries. By the time, the highest share of 9-years old children gets Hong Kong and the least point reaches Russia, 13-year aged pupils indicate highest number in Japan and the smallest share gets Russia. It is evident from this chart that there are two countries taking their vertex with 40 percents of 9-years old and with one third percent 13-year aged children, which presents same level with 9-year aged kids of Japan with insignificant lack of share of 13-years old children. United States is the third country with amount of two different groups of children, which displays about a quarter percent of children aged 9 and less than 20% teens aged 13. The least percentages both of two groups shows Russia with under and more than 10% of 9 and 13 years old pupils. However, there are visible unequalities through the percentages of different countries, global average of school population aged 9-13 elaborates same points with United States.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Given
chart Introduces the
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share
of
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children
in two age groups in an average form in various
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countries
. By the time, the highest
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share
of 9-years
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old
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children
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gets
Hong Kong and the least point reaches Russia,
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13-year
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aged
pupils indicate
A determiner is probably missing here: "the highest".
highest
number in Japan and the smallest
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share
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
Russia.

It is evident from this chart that there are two
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countries
taking their vertex with 40 percents of 9-years
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old
and with one third percent
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13-year
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aged
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children
, which presents same level with
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9-year
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aged
kids of Japan with insignificant lack of
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share
of 13-years
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old
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children
. United States is the third
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country
with amount of two
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different
groups of
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children
, which displays about a quarter percent of
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children
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aged
9 and less than 20% teens
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aged
13. The least percentages both of two groups
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shows
Russia with under and more than 10% of 9 and 13 years
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old
pupils.

However
, there are visible
Possible spelling mistake found.
unequalities
through the percentages of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
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countries
, global average of school population
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aged
9-13 elaborates same points
A determiner is probably missing here: "with the United States".
with United States
.
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IELTS academic Bar chart which shows percentage of 9-13 year old pupils in different countries

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
175 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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