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Annual expenditure on cell phone or residential phone

Annual expenditure on cell phone or residential phone k6lVN
This line graph illustrates us the average annual spending on mobile phone and landlines in Australia from 2001 to 2010. As we can see in 2001 there is very less use of mobile services people spend only approx 200 dollars but at that time peoples are more reliable on landline services they spend 700 $ with time we can observe from 2001 to 2004 there is a great increase in mobile services spending $400 as it is more convenient to use and easily accessible at any time and in landline there is the continuous decline and spending reaches at 600 $. In 2006 both mobile and landline services reach at the same level of expenditure (550) but as mobile is increasing the personal comfort level so they sustained their heights in a line graph and vice a versa landline has their demerits so it follows their continuous decline streaks.
This line graph illustrates us the average annual spending on mobile phone and landlines in Australia from 2001 to 2010.

As we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
in 2001 there is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
less
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
spend
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
approx 200 dollars
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
at that time peoples are more reliable on landline
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
they spend
The currency mark is usually put at the beginning of the number: "$700".
700 $
with time we can observe from 2001 to 2004 there is a great increase in mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
spending $400 as it is more convenient to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
and
easily
accessible at any time and in landline there is the continuous decline and spending reaches at
The currency mark is usually put at the beginning of the number: "$600".
600 $
.

In 2006 both mobile and landline
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
reach at the same level of expenditure (550)
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
as mobile is increasing the personal comfort level
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they sustained their heights in a line graph and vice a versa landline has their demerits
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it follows their continuous decline streaks.
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IELTS academic Annual expenditure on cell phone or residential phone

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
149 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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