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How long have you been working and what motivated you to work?

How long have you been working and what motivated you to work? wM2W3
One day while going to the market, I saw a small boy of something 10-12 years of age. He was wearing tattered clothes and was selling pens. He was asking each and every person to buy it but nobody was even looking at him. Everyone was just ignoring him. I got depressed to see that a small boy at the age of going to school is selling pens. I started getting memories in my mind when I was of his age, I remembered that at his age I used to go to school and play with my friends after school. I did not have any responsibility on my shoulders to earn money. Then I thought there are many underprivileged children who are not able to get an education and roaming here & there in the streets selling something or begging on signals to earn their livelihood. I decided to do something for them but I did not know how I will help them. One day, while scrolling my Facebook feed I saw a few photos of Be Dauntless Foundation in which their volunteers were providing education to the children in a slum. Then I decided to meet them and the next day I went to the slum and I met Kanhaiya sir and meeting him made me realize that true freedom is in self-control, not in self-indulgence. I am grateful to him, through his mentorship, I was able to get over depression and got the motivation to contribute to society. Then I decided to become an empowered citizen and a warrior. Now as a community curator I created community students and connected them with teachers and they are now getting quality education from our teachers. I have been working for one year and working under Kanhaiya sir’s guidance and children’s smiling faces gives me a lot of motivation, and this motivation ignites my inner self to use my potential to the fullest and add colors to everyone’s life.
One day while going to the market, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
boy of something 10-12 years of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
. He was wearing tattered clothes and was selling pens. He was asking each and every person to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
nobody was even looking at him. Everyone was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
ignoring him. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
depressed to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
boy at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of going to school is selling pens. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
getting memories in my mind when I was of his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
, I remembered that at his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to go to school and play with my friends after school.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
did not have any responsibility on my shoulders to earn money. Then I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
underprivileged children who are not able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
an education and roaming here & there in the streets selling something or begging on signals to earn their livelihood. I decided to do something for them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I did not know how I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them. One day, while scrolling my Facebook feed I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
a few photos of Be Dauntless Foundation in which their volunteers were providing education to the children in a slum. Then I decided to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
them and the
next
day I went to the slum and I met
Possible spelling mistake found.
Kanhaiya
sir and meeting him made me realize that true freedom is in self-control, not in self-indulgence. I am grateful to him, through his mentorship, I was able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
over depression and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
the motivation to contribute to society. Then I decided to become an empowered citizen and a warrior.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
as a community curator I created community students and connected them with
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
teachers and
they are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
getting quality education from our teachers. I have been working for one year and working under
Possible spelling mistake found.
Kanhaiya
sir’s guidance and children’s smiling faces gives me
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
motivation, and this motivation ignites my inner self to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
my potential to the fullest and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
colors to everyone’s life.
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IELTS speaking How long have you been working and what motivated you to work?

Speaking
  American English
1 paragraphs
328 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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