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Using computer every day can have more negative than positive effects on children. Do you agree or disagree?

Using computer every day can have more negative than positive effects on children. B1Pp
One of the most conspicuous trends of today's world is the colossal upsurge in the number of people believing that using computer everyday can have more negative effects on children than positive ones. However, I do not accept this statement due to following reasons. As far as benefits of computer are concerned, computer plays an Important role in almost all the fields such as education, medical sciences, research and development etc.
One of the most conspicuous trends of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's world is the colossal upsurge in the number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believing that using computer
'Everyday' is an adjective. Did you mean "every day"?
everyday
can have more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects on children than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
ones.
However
, I do not accept this statement due to following reasons. As far as benefits of computer
are concerned
, computer plays an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Important
role in almost all the fields such as education, medical sciences, research and development etc.

IELTS essay Using computer every day can have more negative than positive effects on children.

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
71 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
4.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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