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The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend.

-Nowadays, obesity in children is becoming a significant area of concern. The upsurge in percentage of overweight children in western society is detrimental to oneself as well as for the community. Furthermore, there are various causes associated with overweight. Firstly, the most vital cause is advanced technology. Although this enhanced technology is beneficial for society, children are misusing it. For instance, children play a lot of games and watch futile videos on mobiles and laptops for a long durations which directly lowers the physical activities making them sedentary and fatty. Secondly, changes in lifestyle and food habits are another important cause of this situation. Overeating, high intake of junk food and beverages, exposure to high-calorie, disliking healthy food are some examples that lead to weight gain in the early stage of a child's life making them dull and inactive. Moreover, the effect of these problems are huge and can be devastating if not abated as soon as possible. Effects can be suffering from various health hazards like cardiovascular disorders, increased cholesterol level, insomnia, mental trauma, etc. Besides, many children have to face body-shaming comments which not only makes them feel discomfort but also leaves an negative impact on their mentality. These kinds of children might become unamicable and timid. Sometimes, they feel highly disgraceful in involving themselves in social activities. Indeed, these situations spoil their childhood memories which if not taken care on right time makes them an incorrigible person. In a nutshell, the causes and their effects of the aforementioned issue if not conquered in the beginning, it will worsen the condition later for which everyone has to bear the brunt of the cut.
-Nowadays, obesity in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is becoming a significant area of concern. The upsurge in percentage of overweight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in western society is detrimental to oneself
as well
as for the community.

Furthermore
, there are various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
causes
associated with overweight.
Firstly
, the most vital
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cause
is advanced
technology. Although this enhanced technology is beneficial for society,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are misusing it.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
play
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
games and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
futile videos on mobiles and laptops for
The plural noun “durations” cannot be used with the article “a”. Did you mean “a long duration” or “long durations”?
a long durations
which
directly
lowers the physical activities making them sedentary and fatty.
Secondly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
in lifestyle and food habits are another
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cause
of this situation. Overeating, high intake of junk food and beverages, exposure to high-calorie, disliking healthy food are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
examples that lead to weight gain in the early stage of a child's life making them dull and inactive.

Moreover
, the effect of these problems are huge and can be devastating if not abated as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
as possible. Effects can be suffering from various health hazards like cardiovascular disorders, increased cholesterol level, insomnia, mental trauma, etc.
Besides
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
face body-shaming comments which not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them feel discomfort
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leaves
Use “a” instead of ‘an’ if the following word doesn’t start with a vowel sound, e.g. ‘a sentence’, ‘a university’.
an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on their mentality. These kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
might become
Possible spelling mistake found.
unamicable
and timid.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Sometimes
, they feel
highly
disgraceful in involving themselves in social activities.
Indeed
, these situations spoil their childhood memories which
Did you mean “is”?
if
not taken care on right time
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them an incorrigible person.

In a nutshell, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
causes
and their effects of the aforementioned issue if not conquered in the beginning, it will worsen the condition later for which everyone
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
bear the brunt of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cut
.
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IELTS essay The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
275 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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