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The growth in crime among teenagers can be attributed to an increase in the use of violent video games. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

The growth in crime among teenagers can be attributed to an increase in the use of violent video games. 6xmLW
What is the most effective factor regarding boost young crime commitment rate? While some people believe that crucial visual computer games have highlighted role in increasing crime’s rate among youngsters, I believe that there are more important factors such as family’s problem and financial issue which motivate teenagers to commit any crime. In this essay, I will explain in more details. On the one hand, family has a significant role to prevent crime commitment by young generation with applying a proper growing up discipline. However, families can play a negative role which expedites this trend significantly. For example, divorce has been known as one of the most vital factors which can influences teenagers’ behaviors, crime commitment is one of the consequences of this disaster. As a result, a child who has faced with terrible challenges in his life has more potential to be attracted by criminal groups. In addition, financial problem is another undeniable factor which should be taken into account. On the other hand, based on the famous expression which says that “Money talks”, financial issue is considered in the second place to investigate root cause of high youngsters’ crime commitment rate. Because in all societies money constructs the infrastructures of human’s life and in case it’s absence, human will face with a bunch of problems. So, teenagers are not excepted from this fact. Therefore, they will be motivated to do some crime such as robbery or shoplifting to provide their needs. In conclusion, I strongly disagree with the opinion which has mentioned that crucial video games can effect increasing crime commitment rate among teenagers. Because this essay illustrated two vital factors like financial problems and family which they significantly influence this trend.
What is the most effective
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factor
regarding boost young
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crime
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
commitment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
? While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that crucial visual computer games have highlighted role in increasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
among youngsters, I believe that there are more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
issue which motivate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
to commit any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
. In this essay, I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
in more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
has a significant role to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
commitment
by young generation with applying a proper growing up discipline.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
can play a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
role which expedites this trend
significantly
.
For example
, divorce has
been known
as one of the most vital
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
which can influences
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers’
behaviors,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
commitment
is one of the consequences of this disaster.
As a result
, a child who has faced with terrible challenges in his life has more potential to
be attracted
by criminal groups.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
is another undeniable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factor
which should
be taken
into account.

On the other hand
, based on the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
expression which says that “Money talks”,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
issue
is considered
in the second place to investigate root cause of high youngsters’
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
commitment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
in all
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "societies'" or "society's"?
societies
money constructs the infrastructures of human’s life and in case it’s absence, human will face with a bunch of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
are not excepted from this fact.
Therefore
, they will
be motivated
to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
such as robbery or shoplifting to provide their needs.

In conclusion
, I
strongly
disagree with the opinion which has mentioned that crucial video games can effect increasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
commitment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
this essay illustrated two vital
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
which they
significantly
influence this trend.

IELTS essay The growth in crime among teenagers can be attributed to an increase in the use of violent video games.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
284 words
7.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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