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Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of the society. Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.2

Some people argue that parents should cultivate children to make a contribution to society while others believe that school is responsible for teaching this. In my opinion, I think that a parallel development of both parental instruction and school education can yield greater outcomes if we aim to build a more close-knit and prosperous community. On the one hand, parents play an vitally important role in teaching children how to behave in their early lives. It is their parents that children spend most of the time with before they are old enough to attend school. Young children are prone to copy what their parents say and do just as they see so parents should act as an example. For instance, if a couple often does volunteer services when they are free, such as tendering public gardens and removing graffiti on the wall, their children could naturally join them, thereby making a devotion to the community. By contrast, the repeatedly inappropriate behaviours of parents could result mistakes of their children, such as throwing litter at will and trampling on the grass. On the other hand, school should also be held accountable for teaching children behavioral norms. Although one main function of school is to teach students knowledge of academic subjects, the wisdom of being a good member of society and similar courses are of equal significance to be included in the school curriculum. No matter how exceptional one achieves in academic performance, he or she cannot truly achieve fame and wealth unless something really beneficial to the whole community has been done. For example, teachers can teach students how to tell right from wrong because there are numerous ethical dilemmas one will face in the future, such as making false claims about the products to strike a deal with clients. In short, a holistic education would be the best option for both society and individuals. In conclusion, I personally argue that both parents and teachers are important when guiding children to become good members of society.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should cultivate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a contribution to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
while others believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
is responsible for teaching this. In my opinion, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that a parallel development of both parental instruction and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
education can yield greater outcomes if we aim to build a more close-knit and prosperous community.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
play
Use “a” instead of ‘an’ if the following word doesn’t start with a vowel sound, e.g. ‘a sentence’, ‘a university’.
an
vitally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in teaching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
how to behave in their early
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. It is their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend most of the time with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to attend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. Young
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children
are prone to copy what their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
say and do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
as they
Use a comma before ‘so’ if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
see
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should act as an example.
For instance
, if a couple
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
does volunteer services when they are free, such as tendering public gardens and removing graffiti on the wall, their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
could
naturally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
them, thereby making a devotion to the community. By contrast, the
repeatedly
inappropriate
Possible spelling mistake. ‘behaviours’ is British English.
behaviours
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
could result mistakes of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, such as throwing litter at will and trampling on the grass.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
should
also
be held
accountable for teaching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
behavioral norms. Although one main function of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
is to teach students knowledge of academic subjects, the wisdom of being a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
member of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
and similar courses are of equal significance to
be included
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
curriculum. No matter how exceptional one achieves in academic performance, he or she cannot
truly
achieve fame and wealth unless something
really
beneficial to the whole community has
been done
.
For example
, teachers can teach students how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
right from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there are numerous ethical dilemmas one will face in the future, such as making false claims about the products to strike a deal with clients. In short, a holistic education would be the best option for both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
and individuals.

In conclusion
, I
personally
argue that both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and teachers are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
when guiding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to become
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
members of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
.
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One who speaks only one language is one person, but one who speaks two languages is two people.
Turkish proverb

IELTS essay Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
335 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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