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Some people think that parents should teach children how to be a good members of the society. Others, however believe that school is the place to learn this. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.1

Some people think that parents should teach children how to be a good members of the society. Others, however believe that school is the place to learn this. v. 1
There are some people who feel that parents are solely responsible for teaching their children how to be a part of the community, whereas there are others who are of the opinion that this job is best accomplished by the school. I strongly feel that, it is the responsibility of both the parents as well as the teachers in a wholesome upbringing of the young ones. On one hand, home is the first school of the child. In other words, children closely monitor how their parents are reacting in a circumstance and start mimicking the same. If parents are not careful in exhibiting the right behaviour, then it may prove detrimental in the long run. For instance, if a kid has seen domestic violence in a young age, then he may attain the same traits and continue to think that hitting someone is correct. Additionally, as parents spend more time with the kids than the teachers, they must coach them on how to become functioning members of the society. On the other hand, the educational institution is like a learning temple for the child. Since, the kids spend most of their active part of the day at school, where their brains are quickly grasping the learning offered by their tutors, the job of the teachers magnify and they need to focus on every minute. Moreover, the education providers are also considered as role models for the children. To illustrate, moral science classes are mandatory so that the kids can start to differentiate between the right and the wrong from a young age. In conclusion, I wholeheartedly believe that, the learning centre and the parents hold a shared responsibility in placing the young ones in the society because they have a direct impact in shaping the character of the children. Therefore, both the parties must play their role well in making the child a better individual for oneself and the community.
There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who feel that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are
solely
responsible for teaching their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
how to be a part of the community, whereas there are others who are of the opinion that this job is best accomplished by the school. I
strongly
feel that, it is the responsibility of both the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
Probable usage error. Use "and" after 'both'.
as well as
the teachers in a wholesome upbringing of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
ones.

On one hand, home is the
first
school of the child.
In other words
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
closely
monitor how their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are reacting in a circumstance and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
mimicking the same. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are not careful in exhibiting the right
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
, then it may prove detrimental in the long run.
For instance
, if a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kid
has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
domestic violence in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
age, then he may attain the same traits and continue to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that hitting someone is correct.
Additionally
, as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
spend more time with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
than the teachers, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
coach them on how to become functioning members of the society.

On the other hand
, the educational institution is like a learning temple for the child. Since, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
spend most of their active part of the day at school, where their brains are
quickly
grasping the learning offered by their tutors, the job of the teachers
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
magnify and
they need to focus on every minute.
Moreover
, the education providers are
also
considered as role models for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. To illustrate, moral science classes are mandatory
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to differentiate between the right and the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
from a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
age.

In conclusion
, I
wholeheartedly
believe that, the learning
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
hold a shared responsibility in placing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
ones in the society
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have a direct impact in shaping the character of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Therefore
, both the parties
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
play their role well in making the child a better individual for oneself and the community.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that parents should teach children how to be a good members of the society. Others, however believe that school is the place to learn this. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
320 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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