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Some people think that job satisfaction is more important than job security, while some people think that they cannot always expect job satisfaction, a permanent job is more important. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

People with permanent jobs do not have to worry about financial issues as they can secure their present and future. For example, permanent employees can recieve bank loans for doing huge investments and able to invest money to earn more. In addition, people who are away from the tension of searching fixed job and saving money, can easily concentrate on other aspects of life such as they can follow their passion. Some people love to enjoy their hobbies of music, sports or travel around the world. Therefore, while doing permanent job, people can enjoy their life and remain financially secured and satisfied.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
with permanent jobs do not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
worry about financial issues as they can secure their present and future.
For example
, permanent employees can
Possible spelling mistake found.
recieve
bank loans for doing huge investments and able to invest money to earn more.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are away from the tension of searching
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fixed
job and saving money, can
easily
concentrate on other aspects of life such as they can follow their passion.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
to enjoy their hobbies of music, sports or travel around the world.
Therefore
, while doing permanent job,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can enjoy their life and remain
financially
secured and satisfied.

IELTS essay Some people think that job satisfaction is more important than job security, while some people think that they cannot always expect job satisfaction, a permanent job is more important.

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
102 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
4.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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