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Some people think that government is wasting money on the arts, and that this money could be spent elsewhere. To what extent do you agree with this view? v.2

Some people think that government is wasting money on the arts, and that this money could be spent elsewhere. v. 2
Art has regained some of its lost glory and governments have started realizing the importance of preserving it. While some people welcome this trend, I completely disagree with this practice as I believe there are several other critical functions for the public administration to focus on. It is widely accepted that the field of arts not only represents the contemporary lifestyle but also helps us to reflect back on the lives of our ancestors. Historical artifacts like sculptures and paintings that are exhibited in various museums attract a lot of visitors and generate some revenue as well. For example, the Kohinoor diamond of Delhi sultanate is a very famous exhibit in the British Royal Museum in U. K. But I believe that the cost of maintaining the museums and the salaries of curators easily exceed this income. Therefore, no official can justify this investment in art as it is not of any benefit to the general public. What’s more, other critical functions of the society like public healthcare continue to be ignored by a lot of countries. Large sections of the community especially the underprivileged are deprived of basic health amenities like vaccines and preventive health checkups. For Instance, the disease of tuberculosis continues to affect thousands of Indians even today. If the government had diverted some of the funds invested in art to these areas, India would have had a stronger young generation. Therefore, I believe that public representatives should start thinking about these vital aspects instead of spending money on the maintenance of art galleries and reviving lost art forms. To conclude, despite the fact that art contributes a lot to the society and tourism in general, I would like to emphasise the fact that governments should invest most of the funds in crucial services like the public healthcare which help in building stronger nations.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Art
has regained
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of its lost glory and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
realizing the importance of preserving it. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
welcome this trend, I completely disagree with this practice as I believe there are several other critical functions for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
administration to focus on.

It is
widely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
that the field of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
represents the contemporary lifestyle
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
us to reflect back on the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
of our ancestors. Historical artifacts like sculptures and paintings that
are exhibited
in various museums attract
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
visitors and generate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
revenue
as well
.
For example
, the Kohinoor diamond of Delhi sultanate is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
exhibit in the British Royal Museum in U. K.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
I believe that the cost of maintaining the museums and the salaries of curators
easily
exceed this income.
Therefore
, no official can justify this investment in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
as it is not of any benefit to the
Consider using "public".
general public
.

What’s more, other critical functions of the society like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
healthcare continue to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignored
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
countries. Large sections of the community
especially
the underprivileged
are deprived
of basic health amenities like vaccines and preventive health checkups.
For Instance
, the disease of tuberculosis continues to affect thousands of Indians even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
. If the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
had diverted
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
funds invested in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
to these areas, India would have had a stronger young generation.
Therefore
, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
representatives should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
thinking about these vital aspects
instead
of spending money on the maintenance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
galleries and reviving lost
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
forms.

To conclude
, despite the fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
contributes a lot to the society and tourism
in general
, I would like to
Possible spelling mistake. 'emphasise' is British English.
emphasise
the fact that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
should invest most of the funds in crucial services like the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
healthcare which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in building stronger nations.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
11Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that government is wasting money on the arts, and that this money could be spent elsewhere. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
307 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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