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Some people think certain Prisoners should be made to do unpaid community work instead of being put behind bars.To what extent do you agree?

Some people think certain Prisoners should be made to do unpaid community work instead of being put behind bars. KXJ6
It is commonly considered that prisoners must be stay behind the bars and live separate from other world but it does not appeal to the society. I completely agree with the statement and think that convicts can get skill during time period of punishment. Firstly, when the prisoner behind the bars, they spend all te by sitting alone and kidding or fighting with other persons. Additionally, by sitting alone, they might get in grip of psychological diseases. Owing to this, they cannot be able to accept the social and normal life which they hold before. Take for instance, some researchers suggest that the maximum prisoners who spend very long time in jail, they face issues in their normal life and social life as well. Thus, i think that convicts get knowledge and learn new skills in jail which is helpful for them in their future. Secondly, if prisoner will become unpaid community worker then it will be very helpful for the government and convict both. Furthermore, prisoners can be learn about vocational skills which us worthful them in their life and they can get aware about community services. Additionally, goverment do not need to pay for full time workers for the community works and they can be invest that fund into require sectors. That is why, I am in supporting side of giving unpaid work to prisoners. In conclusion, I strongly believe that convict can get skills and learn during their jail time by working as unpaid community worker and it will be helpful them to become a good social human being in future life.
It is
commonly
considered that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prisoners
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be stay behind the bars and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
separate from other world
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it does not appeal to the society. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the statement and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
convicts
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skill
during
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
period of punishment.
Firstly
, when the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prisoner
behind the bars, they spend all
Possible spelling mistake found.
te
by sitting alone and kidding or fighting with other persons.
Additionally
, by sitting alone, they might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
in grip of psychological diseases. Owing to this, they cannot be able to accept the social and normal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
which they hold
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
. Take
for instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
researchers suggest that the maximum
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prisoners
who spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in jail, they face issues in their normal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
and social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
as well
.
Thus
,
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
convicts
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
knowledge and learn new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
in jail which is helpful for them in their future.
Secondly
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prisoner
will become unpaid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
worker then it will be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
helpful for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
convict
both.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prisoners
can be
Consider using the past participle "learned", "learnt"?
learn
about vocational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
which us
Possible spelling mistake found.
worthful
them in their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
life and
they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
aware about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
services.
Additionally
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
goverment
do not need to pay for full
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
workers for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
works and
they can be
Consider using the past participle "invested"?
invest
that fund into require sectors.
That is
why, I am in supporting side of giving unpaid work to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prisoners
.
In conclusion
, I
strongly
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
convict
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
and learn during their jail
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
by working as unpaid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
worker and it will be helpful them to become a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
social human being in future
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
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IELTS essay Some people think certain Prisoners should be made to do unpaid community work instead of being put behind bars.

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
265 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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