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obesity is now a major global epidemic. what can be done to tackle this increasingly common problem?

obesity is now a major global epidemic. what can be done to tackle this increasingly common problem? Dllep
Clearly obesity is a challenge that many countries have been struggling with for years. This major issue has also made many parents be concerned about their children. Whatever the reason for this long-lasting problem is, there should be solutions for it. I believe the government plays a significant role in the increase of obesity. The so-called food that is served in schools is the actual cause of this epidemic and this food is something that the government can change easily but no steps have been taken to solve this matter. Parents are also completely responsible for their children’s health but making healthy meals for children takes so much time especially for families with more than one child and besides it won’t be so helpful given the fact that kids spend so much of their time in school and have to eat whatever is served in school. So basically (there for) children these days swim in the never ending pool of sugar, cereals and processed food and there is no surprise that they are getting overweight and we are observing an increase in the rate of obesity. Obesity is one of those conditions that is accompanied by many side effects such as diabetes – which is also a world spread concern—cancer, kidney fail, heart problems and many other problems. In addition to the physical effects it has on people, the mental consequences caused by obesity are not to be ignored. Tv commercials, advertisements, social media and the fake image it demonstrates everyone, can all have serious impact on the mental state of a person. After all there has to be a solution. The government can start with changing the whole school food system in addition to that everyone should broaden their knowledge on dangers and causes of obesity so that such problems wouldn't exist for the next generations. Parents should be able to prepare healthy and homemade snacks that seem appealing for their children. Luckily nowadays with the help of technology and all the information available on the internet preventing the next generation from getting obese has been facilitated.
Clearly
obesity is a challenge that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries have been struggling with for years. This major issue has
also
made
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
parents
be concerned
about their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. Whatever the reason for this long-lasting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
is, there should be solutions for it.

I believe the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
plays a significant role in the increase of obesity. The
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
-called
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
that
is served
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
is the actual cause of this epidemic and this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
is something that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
easily
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
no steps have
been taken
to solve this matter. Parents are
also
completely responsible for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
health
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
making healthy meals for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
takes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much time
especially
for families with more than one child and
besides
it won’t be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
helpful
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
the fact that kids spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much of their time in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
eat whatever
is served
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
basically
(there for)
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
these days swim in the never ending pool of sugar, cereals and processed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
and there is no surprise that they are getting
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
overweight and
we are observing an increase in the rate of obesity.

Obesity is one of those conditions that
is accompanied
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
side effects such as diabetes
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
–
which is
also
a world spread concern—cancer, kidney fail, heart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
.
In addition
to the physical effects it has on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, the mental consequences caused by obesity are not to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignored
.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Tv
commercials, advertisements, social media and the fake image it demonstrates everyone, can all have serious impact on the mental state of a person.

“After” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
After
all there
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
be a solution. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
with changing the whole
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
system
in addition
to that everyone should broaden their knowledge on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
dangers
and causes of obesity
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
wouldn't exist for the
next
generations. Parents should be able to prepare healthy and homemade snacks that seem appealing for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. Luckily nowadays with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of technology and all the information available on the internet preventing the
next
generation from getting obese has
been facilitated
.
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IELTS essay obesity is now a major global epidemic. what can be done to tackle this increasingly common problem?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
348 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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