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Now-a-days people use social media to keep in touch with others and be aware of the news. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

Now-a-days people use social media to keep in touch with others and be aware of the news. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages? e5KR7
It is undeniable fact that the advancement of technology allows us to connect with various people regardless of their nationality, gender, and identity. In spite of this significant breakthrough, I believe it also posed issue related to the internet. First, the positive aspects of being able to converse with others on online are numerous. Specifically, by connecting with others can be an incentive to achieve a certain goal. As an illustration, recently, the suicide rate has been burgeoning due to competitive society; however, we can make it decrease by encouraging them to just talk to strangers online. This strategy is effective, for its privacy protection. Consequently, those individuals who were dejected to the point that they considered committing suicide would change their mind, and step up to face the problem. Another advantage is by connecting others from different parts of the country possibly broaden own horizons. Apart from being able to learn languages, people on online can exchange their perspectives based on their background via online as well. As a result, those people, especially children, who can easily absorb others’ opinions, would be open-minded person, and apply perspectives that are from different angles to a their work. In contrast, communicating with others internationally also brings negative consequence in terms of crime, and addiction.
It is undeniable fact that the advancement of technology
allows
us to connect with various
people
regardless of their nationality, gender, and identity.
In spite of
this significant breakthrough, I believe it
also
posed issue related to the internet.

First
, the
positive
aspects of being able to converse with others on
online
are numerous.
Specifically
, by connecting with others can be an incentive to achieve a certain goal. As an illustration, recently, the suicide rate has been burgeoning due to competitive society;
however
, we can
make
it decrease by encouraging them to
just
talk to strangers
online
. This strategy is effective, for its privacy protection.
Consequently
, those individuals who
were dejected
to the point that they considered committing suicide would
change
their mind, and step up to face the problem. Another advantage is by connecting others from
different
parts of the country
possibly
broaden
own
horizons. Apart from being able to learn languages,
people
on
online
can exchange their perspectives based on their background via
online
as well
.
As a result
, those
people
,
especially
children, who can
easily
absorb others’ opinions, would be open-minded person, and apply perspectives that are from
different
angles to
a their work
.

In contrast
, communicating with others
internationally
also
brings
negative
consequence in terms of crime, and addiction.
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IELTS essay Now-a-days people use social media to keep in touch with others and be aware of the news. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
213 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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