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Many university graduates cannot find a job in their chosen profession. What factors may have caused this situation and what in your opinion should be done about it.

Many university graduates cannot find a job in their chosen profession. What factors may have caused this situation and what in your opinion should be done about it. WpD5
University graduates are expected to find a career in their chosen field. However, more and more graduates nowadays are having difficulties in landing a job within the industry they want to be part of. This essay will discuss the reasons why such scenario is happening, and my opinion on what should be done to resolve this issue. One of the factors why many former students cannot find work on their chosen field is due to the lack of job demand within the industry. This can be attributed to the evolution of technology where robots are expected to replace humans in the work field. For example, bank tellers are expected to be obsolete by 2030 due to the advance, convenient, and user-friendly nature of online banking and atm machines. Another factor is the saturation of job market within the industry due to its high demand from the employers. To illustrate, sometime in early 2000s, there was a high demand of nurses abroad, hence, many students in the Philippines took up nursing courses in the hope of getting a job in another country. However, due to influx of nursing graduates, a number of former nursing students had a hard time finding jobs in the medical field. As a result, a plethora of ex-students ended up in call centre industry. In my opinion, these problems can only be addressed through upgrading of skills to stay relevant and in-demand in their chosen profession. For instance, newly graduates can take up further studies, such as Masters Degree or post graduate degree that can help them advance their skills and knowledge. Hence, this will open a lot of opportunities for their careers and several employers will find their resumes more enticing. To conclude, despite having difficulties for new graduates in finding work in their chosen occupation due to job market saturation and threats of modern technology, they must also learn to advance their skills and knowledge in order to stay relevant and competitive. I strongly believe that by taking up advance studies will help them progress in their careers and land a job in their chosen field.
University
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
graduates
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
to find a career in their chosen
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
.
However
, more and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
graduates
nowadays are having difficulties in landing a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
within the industry they want to be part of. This essay will discuss the reasons why such scenario is happening, and my opinion on what should
be done
to resolve this issue.

One of the factors why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
former students cannot find work on their chosen
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to the lack of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
demand within the industry. This can
be attributed
to the evolution of technology where robots are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
to replace humans in the work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
.
For example
, bank tellers are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
to be obsolete by 2030
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to the advance, convenient, and user-friendly nature of online banking and
This phrase is redundant ('M' stands for 'machine'). Use simply "atms".
atm machines
. Another factor is the saturation of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
market within the industry
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to its high demand from the employers. To illustrate, sometime in early 2000s, there was a high demand of nurses abroad,
hence
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
students in the Philippines took up nursing courses in the hope of getting a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
in another country.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to influx of nursing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
graduates
, a number of former nursing students had a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
time finding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
in the medical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
.
As a result
, a plethora of ex-students ended up in call
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
industry.

In my opinion, these problems can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be addressed
through upgrading of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
to stay relevant and in-demand in their chosen profession.
For instance
,
newly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
graduates
can take up
further
studies, such as
For an academic degree, use "Master’s".
Masters
Degree or post
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
graduate
degree that can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them advance their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and knowledge.
Hence
, this will open
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
opportunities for their careers and several employers will find their resumes more enticing.

To conclude
, despite having difficulties for new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
graduates
in finding work in their chosen occupation
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
due
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
market saturation and threats of modern technology, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
also
learn to advance their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and knowledge in order to stay relevant and competitive. I
strongly
believe that by taking up advance studies will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them progress in their careers and land a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
in their chosen
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
.
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IELTS essay Many university graduates cannot find a job in their chosen profession. What factors may have caused this situation and what in your opinion should be done about it.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
351 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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