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Many people put their personal information online (address, telephone number, and so on) for purposes such as signing up for social networks or online banking. Is this a positive or negative development?

Many people put their personal information online (address, telephone number, and so on) for purposes such as signing up for social networks or online banking. Is this a positive or negative development? PNBX
More and more people are using their personal information when subscribing to internet websites such as social media and online banking. While personal data is being used by several companies, it is still considered as a sensitive data and might have a damaging effect if being misused. This essay will discuss why personal information can be a negative development in today’s modern world. Modern Technology has allowed a plethora of companies to store personal data of their clients and users. It is widely known that private information of individuals are being used by several companies to identify the behavioural trend of their consumers. For example, social media networks like Facebook use the personal information of their users to assess which advertisement must be shown to them. Other manufacturing companies all use the demographic information of their clients to recognize which products are more appealing to them. Hence, these personal data are an essential tool as a marketing assessment in order for these brands to stay relevant. Conversely, It is hugely recognized that personal information are sensitive data, and any breach of information can be damaging to any individuals if it is not properly secured. To illustrate, there are several reported cases of credit card fraud by numerous banking institutions around the world. This is largely due to the fact that more cybersecurity hackers were able to penetrate the financial system of several banks and teal the personal information of their customers in their system. This has resulted to many illegal transactions amounting to huge amounts of money which also causes severe stress to the users. To conclude, internet users key-in their personal information in the internet in the hopes that their data are secured in their system. While personal data can be a great help to many companies as a marketing assessment tool, it is still dangerous to store information that are private and personal. In my opinion, maintaining personal information online can cause negative development to more people, particularly if there is a breach of security or misuse of information.
More and more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are using their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
when subscribing to internet websites such as social media and online banking. While
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
is being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
by several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
, it is
still
considered as a sensitive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
and might have a damaging effect if
being misused
. This essay will discuss why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
can be a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s modern world.

Modern Technology has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
a plethora of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
to store
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
of their clients and users. It is
widely
known that private
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
of individuals are being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
by several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
to identify the
Possible spelling mistake. 'behavioural' is British English.
behavioural
trend of their consumers.
For example
, social media networks like Facebook
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
of their users to assess which advertisement
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be shown
to them. Other manufacturing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
all
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the demographic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
of their clients to recognize which products are more appealing to them.
Hence
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
are an essential tool as a marketing assessment in order for these brands to stay relevant.

Conversely
, It is
hugely
recognized that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
are sensitive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
, and any breach of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
can be damaging to any individuals if it is not
properly
secured. To illustrate, there are several reported cases of credit card fraud by numerous banking institutions around the world. This is
largely
due to the fact that more cybersecurity hackers were able to penetrate the financial system of several banks and teal the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
of their customers in their system. This has resulted to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
illegal transactions amounting to huge amounts of money which
also
causes severe
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
to the users.

To conclude
, internet users key-in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
The usual collocation for technology is "on," not "in." It is better to say this: "on the internet".
in the internet
in the hopes that their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
are secured
in their system. While
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
can be a great
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
as a marketing assessment tool, it is
still
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
to store
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
that are private and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
. In my opinion, maintaining
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
online can cause
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development to more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
,
particularly
if there is a breach of security or misuse of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
information
.

IELTS essay Many people put their personal information online (address, telephone number, and so on) for purposes such as signing up for social networks or online banking. Is this a positive or negative development?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
341 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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