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Many people consider celebrities such as actors and athletes to be their role models. Do you think that people should look up to celebrities as role models? What other types of people are worthy of admiration?

Many people consider celebrities such as actors and athletes to be their role models. Do you think that people should look up to celebrities as role models? What other types of people are worthy of admiration? JoQK5
Recent years have witnessed an increasing interest in public regarding the lives of movie stars and athletes. While some people think that these famous individuals are someone whom they aspire to become, I believe it should not be the case. Instead, others deserve more praise and accolade such as teachers. Firstly, celebrities may set horrible examples for people through their behaviour and language. Indeed, a considerable number of actors or athletes nowadays do not seem to mind how the general public perceives themselves. As a result, they may use crude, indecent language, or even commit illegal offences and get arrested. Furthermore, people in the limelight would promote an extravagant lifestyle. There is no doubt that these people receive enormous incomes from their lucrative businesses, and the fact that they splurge money on prohibitively expensive items and holidays is understandable. However, this may conjure up a misleading image that spending money excessively is synonymous with being popular. Fans, especially teenagers, would, therefore, emulate their idols and wasting a huge amount of money, trying to become someone whom they are not. There are indeed infinitely more people who deserve the same recognition as celebrities do, and some of them are teachers. It is true that they play a pivotal role in shaping the world’s education. In other words, teachers are the cornerstone of the future of an educated workforce. Therefore, a world without its existence would regress and result in a less intelligent society. Moreover, teachers have spent most of their lives trying to impart wisdom and foster the growth of many generations, only to be rewarded unjustly. As for their substantial dedication, teachers should be held in high regard and treated as well as other professions. In conclusion, I think people’s adoration for their idols should not turn into an effort to imitate them. Also, teachers exemplify great models to look up to, and hence they should receive the same, if not more than, recognition as celebrities.
Recent years have witnessed an increasing interest in public regarding the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
of movie stars and athletes. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that these
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
individuals are someone whom they aspire to become, I believe it should not be the case.
Instead
, others deserve more praise and accolade such as teachers.

Firstly
, celebrities may set horrible examples for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
through their
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
and language.
Indeed
, a considerable number of actors or athletes nowadays do not seem to mind how the
Consider using "public".
general public
perceives themselves.
As a result
, they may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
crude, indecent language, or even commit illegal
Possible spelling mistake. 'offences' is British English.
offences
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
arrested.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the limelight would promote an extravagant lifestyle. There is no doubt that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
receive enormous incomes from their lucrative businesses, and the fact that they splurge money on
prohibitively
expensive items and holidays is understandable.
However
, this may conjure up a misleading image that spending money
excessively
is synonymous with being popular. Fans,
especially
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
, would,
therefore
, emulate their idols and wasting a huge amount of money, trying to become someone whom they are not.

There are
indeed
infinitely
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who deserve the same recognition as celebrities do, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
. It is true that they play a pivotal role in shaping the world’s education.
In other words
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
are the cornerstone of the future of an educated workforce.
Therefore
, a world without its existence would regress and result in a less intelligent society.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
have spent most of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
trying to impart wisdom and foster the growth of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
generations,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
to
be rewarded
unjustly
. As for their substantial dedication,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
should
be held
in high regard and treated
as well
as other professions.

In conclusion
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
adoration for their idols should not turn into an effort to imitate them.
Also
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teachers
exemplify great models to look up to, and
hence
they should receive the same, if not more than, recognition as celebrities.
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IELTS essay Many people consider celebrities such as actors and athletes to be their role models. Do you think that people should look up to celebrities as role models? What other types of people are worthy of admiration?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
326 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
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